Question:

What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?


Answer:

A crazy bitch who will find you!

Men Don't Listen

A man is showering in a locker room with his
buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims.
'I wasn't always this impressive, I had to
work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.
'Well, every day for the past two years I've
spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but
it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.’

Jim agrees that he’ll try it . . .
A few months later the two are in the same
locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation is going.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but
I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!'
'Did you do everything I told you? An hour
each day with butter?'

'Well, I was out of butter, so I've been
using Crisco.'

Wait for it ...........





Crisco!!?' Bob exclaimed. ‘Damn it, Jim,
Crisco is shortening!’

MORAL OF THE STORY:

You gotta follow the recipe & men don't
listen!

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night..

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Good Advice

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces..
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor )
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature' s way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

Bubba Had Shingles

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!

Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

Older Women Are So Reasonable, don't you think??

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,

'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED, AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES!

Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb!

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. 'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'

Now here is a question you do not get too often...

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust...

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'?

She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
'Do you have a vagina'?
'Yes' she says .

The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours................?

Flat Stomach........

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it...'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

The Cowboy's Wish

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this..' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, you can be d*mn sure there's going to be a string attached!

A Well-Planned Retirement

- From The London Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $7).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years.

Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "We'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."

"Err ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $620) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($7.6 million)!
And no one even knows his name..........................................

USRSF

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite
fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)



These boys will be dropped off in Afghanistan and have been given
only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by
Friday.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years!! That's amazing!! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop. I pray for all of our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."

The IRS and Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS
finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says
Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go
ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a
bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he
takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks
’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning,
when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
about it!’



Don’t Mess with Old People!!

The Screw Up

The Screw Up - Last.FM Commercial - The most amazing bloopers are here

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' t-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious t-shirt. I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks does its own oil change. It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

COURAGE?

How do you define courage?
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to drive a Formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?
Is it to practice free falling parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it to go on a defective Ferris wheel?
Bullshit........those are nothing!
??

THIS is COURAGE!

The IRS and Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS
finds that believable.’

I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says
Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go
ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that
I can bite my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a
bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The
auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand
dollars that I can bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he
takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

’Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks
’I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream
reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much
urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in
his hands.

’Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

’Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning,
when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy
about it!’


Don’t Mess with Old People!!

Financial Crisis!

The Question of the Day is...Will the Dollar fall or not???




The moral is........ be a Tight Ass.

A little old man is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!"

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3."

The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere"

The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?"

The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public."

"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?"

"Lard ass."

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get iIt.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease,
and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.

The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to," Dave replied.

"Last week when I left our meeting, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'."

"When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

Buying Fishing Gear From a Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just
grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel? He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop
it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says,
'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and
10-LB. Test line.. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00.

'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter', she says. 'I'll take it!' As she opens
her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. 'Oh, that sounds like
a Master Card,' he says. She bends down to pick it up and
accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then
realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who
tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person
around.

The clerk rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.' The
woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?' He
replies, 'Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.'

Judging Others

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," said the camel, "I think that's an inappropriate question from somebody whose dick is on his face."

Great News for these financially challenged times!

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.
Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought you might enjoy a cheap night out.

A lawyer and two friends–a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man–had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.” With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I just can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”


His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong?” the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, “I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

A TRIP TO Costco!

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with
my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because
the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff
an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the
world to think of crazy things to say. Forward this (especially) to all
your retired friends......it will be their Laugh for the day.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Saskatchewan

The owner of a golf course in Saskatchewan was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary (I think May was her name) for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Saskatchewan and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
(You gotta love those Saskatchewan women)

__________________________________________________________

A group of Saskatchewan friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
______________________________________________________ _____

A senior in Saskatchewan was overheard saying. 'When the end of
the world, comes, I hope to be in Saskatchewan.'
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Saskatchewan because
everything happens in Saskatchewan 20 years later than in the rest
of the civilized world.
___________________________________________________________

The young man from Saskatchewan came running into the store and
said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? '
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.'

__________________________________________________________
NEWS FLASH! - Saskatchewan 's worst air disaster occurred when a
small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of
Saskatchewan students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.
Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery
efforts.

__________________________________________________________

The Saskatchewan RCMP pulled over a pickup on Highway 16.
The RCMP officer asked, 'Got any ID?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?
___________________________________________________________

A man in Saskatchewan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either.'

For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
I have a question…

WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO HAPPEN:

qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqdjggsdqklgds

ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffkgmgqkfjd

mqielgqfffffffffff ffffffffffffffffsqfmq

dsldmfqsfqssfdbvnlklfvnozeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ?

SEE THE ANSWER BELOW!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada.

If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

A electrician walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive
woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a
moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just
testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the- art watch?' 'What's so special
about it?' The electrician explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.

'The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'

The electrician smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Darn thing's an hour
fast.'

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this .



'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . .

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.

And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first .

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

… And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

A little known fact....

The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important .

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You
idiot!.. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.

Bear says: "if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "if I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Pig says: "big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits's itself."

Affter Effects of Swine Flu

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
Coroner tells the Inspector:

'First body: An Italian, 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress hence the enormous smile.'
'Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah.' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Billy Earl, the Newfie, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken'

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by a Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Breaking Up is Hard to do

A farmer, a minister, and a biker are killed in a tragic accident on Christmas Eve, and our trio finds itself before the Pearly Gates, awaiting entry. St. Peter approaches them, and explains that since it is Christmas Eve, each of them must present something Christmasy in order to enter.The farmer reaches into his overalls and pulls out a handful of manger hay, St. Peter allows him in.The minister searches his pockets, and retreives a Communion wafer, and St. Peter allows him in. The biker bro has been scratching his head the whole time, thinking of something he could present. Suddenly, breaking into a broad grin, he yanks out a pair of panties from his leather jacket. St. Peter stares blankly at the biker and the panties, and asks, "How do these represent Christmas in any way?" The bro replied, "They're Carol's!"

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful Beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Leave it to a Newfie

3 men, a Torontonian, an Albertan and a Newfie, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knew it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St.Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to hell."
The Torontonian then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his fingers, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Torontonian read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers, the Torontonian disappeared.
The Albertan then asked, "Give me the most complicated Formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his fingers, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The Albertan read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to hell!" With another snap of his fingers, the Albertan disappeared, too.
The Newfie then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. The Newfie continues, "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The Newfie then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the Newfie, It was from me arshole!" And the Newfie went to Heaven !!!

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he
decided to take a leak.. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just
then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged...shooting him in
the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good
news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin,
there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the
buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter..

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage
done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister
a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the local
symphony and she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you
don't piss in your eye.

cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever…
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
he proctologist fainted.

If you like tennis

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week..

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, Then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

Ray is Gay.

He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.'
Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'
'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.
Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'
Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for'.

Service

I was confused when I heard the word service used in these expressions.
Internal Revenue 'Service'
Canada Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, County, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking,
and one of them said he had hired a bull to
'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful
and loving wives, however They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her
panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not
want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to Go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned That his normally
sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to
suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with
a card stuck to her ass that Said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.

Tiger Woods

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with only one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's all sweaty and knackered. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this hole......."

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar
in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room!

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T USE CORN-ON-THE-COB AS A VIBRATOR



Happens Ever Time

Newfie Duck Hunter

A newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like newfies.

The game warden ordered the newfie to show his hunting license, and the newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This duck ain't from Ontario . This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?' The newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said 'This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?' The newfie reached into wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, 'This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?' Again the newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the newfie 'Just where the hell are you from???!!!'

The newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, 'You tell me, you're the expert.'

Charlie gets home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?' Charlie replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'

'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get? I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. 'What the hell were you thinking?' she said, shaking her head in disgust.'Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

'Well, I did it for four reasons.
One, I like to watch my money grow
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.'

Charlie is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Scottish Golfer

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm Scottish and I am a golfer"' says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a wee glass of whiskey, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"
"Who said my Da's deid?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Scottish golfer. "In fact he golfed wi' me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a golfer, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandad's died?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old Scottish golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No.. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Guts vs. Balls:

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard
about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference
between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed
below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with
the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with
the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the
definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

An Inspirational Story

Recently I was asked to play in a golf tournament.
At first I said, 'Naaahhh!'
Then they said to me 'Come on, it's for handicapped and blind Kids.'
Then I thought...

Fuck - I could win this!'

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day
roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the
bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be
sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and
that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of
the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called
to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are
much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins.

A little girl was overheard saying her prayers:-

"Dear God, in this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer...... Amen".

Missunderstanding......

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line, just one lady in front of me. . .an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated . .. .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Star Trek Trailer - Beam me up Hottie

First Remote

Retired Golfer & The Blonde

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The Circus Owners jaw is on the floor.. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw
the flashing red and blue lights.

Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he
accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and
pulled over to the side.

The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a
word. He looked at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift
and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore
paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that
I haven't heard before, you can go!"

The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a
reply. "Last week I found my wife fucking a cop" he said, "and
I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Off you go," said the officer.

The Last Nickel

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son... He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "No," the woman replied. "I'm with Revenue Canada."

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'

Roy, an undertaker in Pennsylvania came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife."
I had a terrible day," replies Roy."I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep.

When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.
So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replies, "Wrong room!"

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that
were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

Dave the hen

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave , 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I hav en't said goodby e to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave ..

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

' Dave , wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!'

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, ‘No... Salty.’
Mom Fainted.

Very Short Story

Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.

The woman yells out the window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Thought For the Day:
If men would just listen

An Alberta lawyer and a Newfoundlander are sitting next to each other on the long flight to Halifax .
The lawyer is thinking that Newfoundlanders are so dumb that he can fool them easy...
So the lawyer asks if the Newfoundlander would like to play a fun game.
The Newfoundlander is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and says that the game is a lot of fun.

'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the Newfoundlanders attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
'What's the distance from The Earth to the moon?'
The Newfoundlander doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Newfoundlanders turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows.
He uses the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.
After over an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the Newfoundlander and hands him $500. The Newfoundlander pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Newfoundlander up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'
The Newfoundlander reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
. . . Don't mess with Newfoundlanders. They only talk different...

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.
He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.
"Yes?", asks St. Peter.
"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.
St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

My Dad Is Gay

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher
asked him about his father.

'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go
out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set
the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David
Aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Edmonton Oilers but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Will I Live to see 80 ?

I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment,
I couldn't resist asking him,
'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked,
'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much...
my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf,
sailing,
hiking,
or
bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked,
'Do you gamble,
drive fast cars,
or
have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,...
'Then, why do you even give a shit ?

Making Cakes

A little girl and her mother were walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?"

The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm, they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?"

Shocked, the Mother says, "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

A wise man once said that a black man would be president when pigs fly.

Sure enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency, swine flu.

When you're from the country you look at things a little differently ...

An Alberta rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mother here?' '
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
No sir, 'He went with Mom and Dad.'

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the rancher uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'

The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog ... but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men.....are men

A guy sits down in a seat on an airplane and notices the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, "hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if ask how you got yours?"

"Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest set of cans was behind the counter. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh", I said, 'I d like a picket to Tittsburgh.'" So, she socked me.

Mine was a tongue twister too! I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife: "Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties," but I accidentally said, "you ruined my life, you fucking bitch!"

-A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.. 'My kitty raised her back, went "Sssss, Sssss, Sssss" and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for many years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast if it's worth their while.

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Anger Managment

Husband says:
When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife says:
I clean the toilet ...

Husband says:
How does that help?

Wife says:
I use your Toothbrush ...