Moral of This Story is....BRILLIANT!!!!   This is a story about A Fly, a Fish, a Bear A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat. There is a moral to this story..... In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular, ��     'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.' There was a fish in the water thinking,   'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.' There was a bear on the shore thinking,     'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!'   It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... 'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it.. That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'   Now, you probably think this is Enough activity on one river bank, But I can tell you there's more....     A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, 'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish.. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear And drop his cheese sandwich.'     A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of This particular river around lunch time)     'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches.. And that fish jumps for that fly And that bear grabs for that fish And that hunter shoots that bear.. And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich . Then I can have mouse for lunch.'     The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.   The fish swallows the fly...     The bear grabs the fish...       The hunter shoots the bear..       The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...   The cat jumps for the mouse.. The mouse ducks...     The cat falls into the water and drowns.   NOW, The Moral Of The Story....   Whenever a fly goes down three inches,     Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.

running shoes

I Rest My Case

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

 

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

 

On the other hand, you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

 

I rest my case.

Case closed.

You had a bad day?... I don't think so.

Drafting Guys Over 60

I am all for it, imagine, live targets. Drafting Guys Over 60 This is funny & obviously written by a vet New direction for any war: Send service vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unituntil you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing somefanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50 in menopause! You think MEN have attitudes? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends. It's in big type so they can read it.

Three mice go drinking

Three mice are sitting in a bar having drinks. They all order a shot of whiskey together and are thinking of something to drink to.

The first mouse says, "I'm so fucking hard core the first thing I do when I go home every night is find a pill of rat poison, grind it up, and use it to season all my food" while showing off all of his chest hair. He slams his shot

The second mouse says, as he flexes to show off "that's pretty hard core, but the first thing I do when I get home every night is find a mouse trap, step on it to set it off and catch the bar as it comes down. I do a few reps of ten before I eat the cheese" . He slams his shot

The third mouse rolls his eyes, takes his shot and says "Man I don't have time for this shit. I have to go fuck my cat"

Windows frozen

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:
"Windows frozen."
Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 mins later:
"Computer completely fucked now."

 

New from Dearborn , Michigan .... just in time for Christmas!

The latest  toy has hit the shops... a talking Muslim  doll.

Nobody knows what  the heck it says,
because no one has had the guts to pull the cord!!
    

  

Pfizer Corp

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon  be available in  liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a  power beverage  suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible  for a man to  literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can  no longer call this  a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names  of 'cocktails',  'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff  drink'.  Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:  MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent  on breast implants  and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This  means that by 2040,  there should be a large elderly population with  perky boobs and huge  erections and absolutely no recollection of what to  do with them.

SCOTCH?

   On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.   The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher
a basket of assorted fruit.

     The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

     The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

     Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a
little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

     "Is it wine?" she guessed.
         
   "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
asked, "Champagne?"

   "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

 

A sad looking man walks into a bar

A sad looking man walks into a barAnd orders three shots. He knocks them back one after the other and orders another three.

The bartender says "I've never seen anyone drink like that"

The man replies "you'd drink like this if you had what I've got"

This continues twice more, shots, never seen it, you would if you had what I've got.

After the fifteenth shot the bartender asks "I've got to know, what have you got?"

The man grins wide and shouts "twenty cents!" he slaps the coins on the bar and bolts out the door.

Zany Headlines...

 



















 

Water Bed Prank

Screw You

Politically incorrect, but makes sense to me.

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinsons or Alzheimer's?" 

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinsons. 
Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle!!" 

The Dark Side Of Women...................

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. 

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. 

In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.. 

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. 

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! 

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! 

For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care.  And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.

BEING A FARMER IS TOUGH!

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.  He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado levelled my barn,  and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches."

 

Ive just been molested

  A senior  citizens group charters a bus for an overnight
gambling casino  trip.

           An elderly woman  comes up to the bus driver and says,
'I've just been  molested!'

           The driver felt  that she had fallen asleep and had a
dream.. So he tells  her to go back to her seat and sit  down.

           A short time  later, another old woman comes forward and
claims that  she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus
load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old  ladies?

           About 10 minutes  later, a third old lady comes up and
says that she'd  been molested too.

           The bus driver  decides that he'd had enough and pulls
into the first  rest area.

           When he turns  the lights on and stands up, he sees an old
man on his  hands and knees crawling in the  aisles.

           'Hey gramps,  what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

           'I lost my  toupee.  I thought I found it three times, but
every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs  away!'

The Black Bra

THE BLACK BRA    The Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went.    My engaged friend :  The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman  of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.   The mistress:  Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra,   heels and   Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.   Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,       (you are going to love this.....)        "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

65 Years Ago.

65 Years Ago.  This is PRICELESS ............ A little old lady from   Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.  When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all.' She thought to herself, I know everything there is to know about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black car pulled up in front of her house. A large man got out, knocked on her door and said, "Ma'am,.....The president of Carnation milk absolutely LOVED your entry.....So much, in fact, that we are here to award you $1,000 even though we will not be able to use it for our advertisements!" He did, however, have one printed up to hang on his office wall. (Here it is:)

Elderly Man

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

 

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

 

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

 

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Poor Florida

Give me my money !

THE Definition of a True friend!

Feeling Unappreciated??

Feeling Unappreciated?? 

The next time you feel that nobody loves you, 


no one cares, or that no one ever notices you, 

think of this guy: 




Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..

 

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

 

Still Having a Bad Day?

 

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

 

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

 

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

 

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

 

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

 

What? STILL having a Bad Day?

 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb; he opened it and was blown to bits. God is good!

 

There now, Feeling Better?

Only in the good ol U.S.of A.

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
wined and dined by the State Department.
The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,
"A man is sitting on the well!"

Forget Rednecks... Here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say

Forget Rednecks... Here's what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians during a recent appearance at Caesar's in Windsor:
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialled a wrong number, you may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Detroit for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km, you're going 95 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada
If you know all 4 seasons: "Almost winter", "Winter", "Still winter" and "Road construction", you may live in Canada.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada. 

weight

oops

The blond paint job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Make up your mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

NORWEGIAN WEDDING

 

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun!
No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ...
still in DA CRATE!"

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE

 One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, 
Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Tippy and Rosie.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip,

I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to 
the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'

COWBOY TOMBSTONE

 Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah
 I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.

 FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
 cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
 laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
 and doesn't lie to you.

 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
 and likes to be with you.

 5. It's very, very important that these four women
 do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
 

Joke of the year !!

Two women were sitting quietly together,   

 minding their own business.

Finally a cure for Plumber's Butt...

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking down a path in the forest, when she comes across the big bad wolf crouched behind a log. "oh Mr. Wolf what big eyes you have" she said. The big bad wolf jumped up and ran away. She shrugged and continued on her way. A little while later she came across him again this time crouched behind some bushes "oh Mr. wolf what big ears you have" he jumped up and ran away again. "What the hell!" said little red. she continued on her way. About a mile further in she again came across the wolf crouching behind a boulder. "Oh Mr. Wolf what big teeth you have" she exclaimed. The wolf jumped up and yelled "Damn it lady I'm trying to shit!"

Just Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Chihuahua Plays with English Mastiff

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

...The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'