Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine.
I'm down to two butts a day.'
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works,
and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show you, too, can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed,
'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how really good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show you, too, can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed,
'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't finished. Before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how really good I feel right now.
Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Is Sex Work ???
A Canadian Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning-briefing to all of his staff.
While waiting for the coffee-machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was 'work', and how much of it was pure 'pleasure'?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion ?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure Sir."
The N.C.O.. was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And why is that soldier" ?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved , the officers would have me doing it for them Sir".
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Newfie !
While waiting for the coffee-machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much concerning the act of sex was 'work', and how much of it was pure 'pleasure'?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'.
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was HIS opinion ?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure Sir."
The N.C.O.. was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And why is that soldier" ?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved , the officers would have me doing it for them Sir".
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Newfie !
Welfare
An Indian walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The Indian, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well, You the one that started it."
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The Indian, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well, You the one that started it."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work:
Did you have good sex last night?
- No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
- Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.
At the same time their husbands are talking at work:
Did you have good sex last night?
- Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
- It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. in return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive
that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour.
After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.
Did you have good sex last night?
- No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?
- Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.
At the same time their husbands are talking at work:
Did you have good sex last night?
- Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?
- It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. in return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive
that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour.
After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo youuuu have dillddooos?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbbbaattteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?!!"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Doooo youuuu carrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbbbaattteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?!!"
The Virgin
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the GOVERNMENT, this time I know I'm gonna get screwed."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
"You're with the GOVERNMENT, this time I know I'm gonna get screwed."
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Adult Riddles ~
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California Love Story
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex .... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
"Because" .... she Replied ...
"I Really Miss Mine!"
Friday, January 22, 2010
A guy was traveling through the United States on vacation when, lo and
behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.. Cutting his trip
short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs
Agent at the Peace Arch Customs
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border",
says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm a Canadian!" he said. I have a picture of
Stephen Harper tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Michael
Ignatieff on the other"..
"This I gotta see..." replies the agent.
With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent. "By
golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to British Columbia".
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from British Columbia?"
The agent replies, "I recognized Gordon Campbell in the
middle".
behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.. Cutting his trip
short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs
Agent at the Peace Arch Customs
"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border",
says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm a Canadian!" he said. I have a picture of
Stephen Harper tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Michael
Ignatieff on the other"..
"This I gotta see..." replies the agent.
With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent. "By
golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to British Columbia".
"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from British Columbia?"
The agent replies, "I recognized Gordon Campbell in the
middle".
A Good One Liner
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
This is the reason they don't outlaw drinking because drinking helps us keep our perspective on life.
YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK ... I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , "Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. Can of coffee
A 1 lb. Package of bacon
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , "Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Mixed Emotions
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned
to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t
tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said:
“Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis… “
and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”. The husband turned
to his wife and said, “Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t
tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She said:
“Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis… “
A THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND?
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'
'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'
'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heat off while I'm out.'
An Irish priest, Father O'Malley, was transferred to Queensland Catholic Church and one morning he rose from his bed on a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station..
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Ah, to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station..
The conversation went like this:
''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der middle of me front lawn "
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:
"Ah, to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
Monday, January 18, 2010
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ..'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight... Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight... Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are pissed again.'
DOORFRAME!
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST
A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK?
WELL,THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE!
LAUGHTER WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART!
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED NOW!!!
A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK?
WELL,THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE!
LAUGHTER WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART!
DON'T BE EMBARRASSED NOW!!!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert
when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would
you like to buy a tie? They are only $5. The Taliban shouted,"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced stupid tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show
you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said........
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would
you like to buy a tie? They are only $5. The Taliban shouted,"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced stupid tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show
you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.." Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said........
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,"
You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Dumb: Dummer: Dumbest:
Dumb:
During a recent company password audit,
a blonde was found using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password,
she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Dumber:
This girl spells her name “Le-a”
How would YOU pronounce her name?
Leah ?
Lee - A ?
Lay - a ?
Lei ?
She attends a school in Livingston Parish, Louisiana.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
She says it's pronounced, “Ledasha”.
When the mother was asked why it should be pronounced that way,
she said ... “ 'cause the dash don't be silent! ”.
So, if you ever come across a name like this, remember to pronounce the dash.
And, if anyone axe you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!
Dumbest:
Police Dogs in Alabama
From the Birmingham, Alabama Police Chief: “The city of Birmingham Police Department
has announced this morning that all German Shepherd police dogs will be replaced by
coon hounds, due to the fact that the city is not having any problems with Germans.”
During a recent company password audit,
a blonde was found using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password,
she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
Dumber:
This girl spells her name “Le-a”
How would YOU pronounce her name?
Leah ?
Lee - A ?
Lay - a ?
Lei ?
She attends a school in Livingston Parish, Louisiana.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
She says it's pronounced, “Ledasha”.
When the mother was asked why it should be pronounced that way,
she said ... “ 'cause the dash don't be silent! ”.
So, if you ever come across a name like this, remember to pronounce the dash.
And, if anyone axe you why, tell them it's 'cause the dash don't be silent!
Dumbest:
Police Dogs in Alabama
From the Birmingham, Alabama Police Chief: “The city of Birmingham Police Department
has announced this morning that all German Shepherd police dogs will be replaced by
coon hounds, due to the fact that the city is not having any problems with Germans.”
Kermit is Dead
It is with great sadness that we inform you that Kermit the Frog has died at the age of 54.
1955-2009
Swine Flu has been determined to be the cause of death.
His last words were "That fucking pig told me she was clean!!"
1955-2009
Swine Flu has been determined to be the cause of death.
His last words were "That fucking pig told me she was clean!!"
Final Exam
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Father & Son talk if it could be this easy!
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.'
Happy New Year! my resolution
Over the past few months I have forwarded some inappropriate pictures and jokes
to friends who I thought shared an eclectic sense of humor. Unfortunately this wasn't
the case and I seem to have upset some people.
If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apology. I have also sent
some intelligent and thought provoking mails which may have been boring to some
people. If you were one of those, also please accept my apology.
From now on I will only post or send e-mail with a cultural or educational content such
as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics. Below is a picture of the Pont
Neuf Bridge in Paris . It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. It was
completed in 1604...
to friends who I thought shared an eclectic sense of humor. Unfortunately this wasn't
the case and I seem to have upset some people.
If you were one of these people, please accept my sincerest apology. I have also sent
some intelligent and thought provoking mails which may have been boring to some
people. If you were one of those, also please accept my apology.
From now on I will only post or send e-mail with a cultural or educational content such
as old monuments, nature and other interesting topics. Below is a picture of the Pont
Neuf Bridge in Paris . It is the oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build. It was
completed in 1604...
Friday, January 15, 2010
GOD LOVES DRUNK PEOPLE TOO
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Little boy at the nude beach.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach...
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her 'why?'
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother ....
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her 'why?'
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother ....
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Good Advice
A woman who was beaten black and blue, goes to the doctor.
Doctor: What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes
home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it
.Just gargle and > gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh
again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home
drunk, I gargled with chamomile
tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
Doctor: What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. Whenever your husband comes
home inebriated, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it
.Just gargle and > gargle."
Two weeks later she returns to the doctor,and looks reborn and fresh
again.
Woman: "Doc, That was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home
drunk, I gargled with chamomile
tea and gargled and nothing happened."
Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps!"
Friday, January 08, 2010
A plane leaves Miami International Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an
awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like
Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot,'... ..why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.. .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence..
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic says the co-pilot.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims
the captain,
It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no
mattah...all same.
His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an
awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like
Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot,'... ..why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.. .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence..
'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic says the co-pilot.'
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims
the captain,
It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no
mattah...all same.
Wednesday, January 06, 2010
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
Great Adventure Six Flags
Admission to Six Flags............... $65.00
Popcorn and a soda at the refreshment stand.... $9.00
Paint-on tattoo...... $7.00
A set of tits that can handle 5 G's on a roller coaster and still look firm.
PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Popcorn and a soda at the refreshment stand.... $9.00
Paint-on tattoo...... $7.00
A set of tits that can handle 5 G's on a roller coaster and still look firm.
PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genie in a bottle
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Monday, January 04, 2010
Genie in a bottle
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
Friday, January 01, 2010
PLEASE HELP!!!!!
GET BACK TO ME RIGHT AWAY
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?
I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I am only six minutes away from owning the TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS!
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on E-Bay?
I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse Outfit", and now it seems I am only six minutes away from owning the TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS!
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