intergalactic travels

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

THERAPY SESSION:

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

age defined

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Ours is prettier

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, 'Who the hell was that?'

'Oh,' replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.'

'Well, that's the last straw,' says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce!'

'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife.

'That's his mistress,' says her husband.

'Ours is prettier,' she replies

Doctors Never Laugh

. .. . The doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.

Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you Think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit!

Lost Grandpa

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :
Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall !

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said,

'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.'

The Ole Folks Home ...

An Indian family was considering putting their
Mooshum (grandfather) in a nursing home.

All the First Nation facilities were completely
full so they had to put him in an Italian home.

After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they
came to visit Mooshum.

"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson.

"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous
and respectful." says Mooshum.

"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this
was the wrong place for you. You know, since you
are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully

they treat the residents." Mooshum says with a big

smile.

"There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He
hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
still calls him 'Maestro'."

"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He
hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone
still calls him 'Your Honor'."

"There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't
fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls
him 'Doctor'."

"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
still call me 'The Fucking Indian'."

Of men & women's needs

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a t ennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.

Women on Sex

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some role playing.The following week they met up again to compare notes.

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask, ready for action.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

Mongolian VD

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back
home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.


'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry ! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!

Kids

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.' The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.
' The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?
' The first kid says, 'A circumcision.
' Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year.

Monkey Business

A fellow walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on
display.

While he was there, a Master Chief Petty Officer from the local
Naval Air Station walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a
line service monkey, please."

The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took
out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the Chief, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The Chief paid and left with
the monkey.

Surprised, the fellow went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars.
Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all Naval aircraft, conduct all required
ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no
mistakes. He is also trained in all carrier flight deck ops. He's well
worth the money."

With his interest peaked, the fellow looked around and spotted a
Monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag. "That one's even more Expensive! What can it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey.
She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise
all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew
of Maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful
monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The guy looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a
cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". Holy crap! What does this one
do?"

"Well, the shopkeeper said, I've never actually seen him do anything
but drink beer, screw the girl monkeys, and play with his pecker, but
his Papers say he's a pilot."

TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around
Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

'The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find
her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra!!
What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says.. .... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for Yours ..'!!

Most Old timers are helpful like that!

New Urologist

As we age, we tend to see more of the medical establishment.

For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her
yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why and she said... "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.'

2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.'

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.'

4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.'

5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.'

6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.'

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.'

8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'

9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Drinking with a Canadian Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Canada we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' ' God Bless Canada'

Broken Penis

Bob can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Bob asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take some muscles from the base of a baby elephant's' trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Bob says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says okay.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Bob the go ahead to 'try out his new
equipment'.

Bob takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Bob starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, 'That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?'

With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Bob says, 'Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass.'

Why men use post it notes

DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP.......

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up.
Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sunburnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.

No SEX since 1955?

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

" 1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in a serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

Little boy at the nude beach.

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women Have boobs bigger than his mother's,so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns To tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother ,
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.'

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
( d on't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Golfing

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't
quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round in the break room. Curious, she spoke up, 'You know, I used to play on my golf team in
college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?'

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.

Not one of them wanted to say 'yes,' but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay.

She smiled and said, 'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'

She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week.

She smiled and said 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed.

The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late!

This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally she showed up.

This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.

Finally one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her point blank, 'How do you decide if you're going to golf right- handed or left-handed?'

The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That's easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude. From then on I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his 'you-know-what' was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?'

She said, 'Then I'm fifteen minutes late.'

Glow Condoms

Potentially and realistically

For a school project a young boy went up to his father
and said, "Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to
determine the difference between potentially and realistically.

Can you help me?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the Boy went to his mother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and
send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked,< BR>
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt.

I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!

The boy then went to his brother and asked,
"Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied.
"Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes... potentially.......
you and I are sitting on three million dollars...........
but realistically........
we're living with two prostitutes and a queer."

Oral Surgeon

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. 'I
can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating me!'

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a
pill.

'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.' The Dentist
then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't', said the Dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull your tooth.'>

Walking Eagle !!!!

Premier Gordon Campbell of B.C. was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation last weekend in Kitimat, B.C..........

He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Mayor of Vancouver, how he had signed 'YES' - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Premier with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Campbell then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Campbell . They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

That's Love

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

reverse first aid

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Birth Control

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.


There were two city gals and one farm gal. The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.


They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, 'The rhythm method.' 'That will work,' said the counselor, 'if you keep a good record.'

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. 'I plan on using birth control pills,' she said. Again he said, 'Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.'

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, 'The pail and saucer method.' After a short delay, he told her that should also work.He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet. Well, the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, 'I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.'

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, 'The birth control pill. But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.'

He turns to the farm gal. 'I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you?'

She replied, 'Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers....

BaseBall

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's out side."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the
Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

DRIVING WITH GRANDPA

A FRIEND, WHO WORKED AWAY FROM HOME ALL WEEK,
ALWAYS MADE A SPECIAL EFFORT WITH HIS FAMILY ON THE WEEKENDS.
EVERY SUNDAY MORNING HE WOULD TAKE HIS 7 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER
OUT FOR A DRIVE IN THE CAR FOR
SOME BONDING TIME, JUST HE AND HIS
GRANDDAUGHTER.

ONE WEEK IN PARTICULAR HE CAME HOME SICK,
AND ON SUNDAY HE WAS STILL BATTLING A BAD COLD
AND REALLY DIDN''T FEEL UP TO GOING OUT FOR A DRIVE AT ALL.
LUCKILY, HIS WIFE CAME TO THE RESCUE AND SAID THAT
SHE WOULD TAKE THEIR GRANDDAUGHTER OUT.
WHEN THEY RETURNED, THE LITTLE GIRL ANXIOUSLY
RAN UPSTAIRS TO SEE HER GRANDFATHER.

'WELL, DID YOU ENJOY YOUR RIDE WITH GRANDMA ?

YES, GRANDPA' THE GIRL REPLIED,

DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE DIDN'T SEE A SINGLE DUMB BASTARD,

OR A LOUSY SHIT HEAD,

OR SON OF A BITCH,

OR CRAZY ASSHOLE

ANYWHERE WE WENT TODAY !





BRINGS A TEAR TO YOUR EYE DOESN'T IT?

HOW DO YOU GET INTO HEAVEN?

I was testing the children in my Newfoundland Sunday school class to
see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven. I asked them, 'If I
sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all
my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?

''NO!' , the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything
>neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!
'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued,
'then how can I get into Heaven?'

A six-year-old Newfie boy shouted out,
'YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN' DEAD.

The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
Manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner wit h a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
At the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
Your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
Moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
Hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

Blonds - what can I say

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There’s a way of making the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “I just want to sell it any way I can.”
“OK,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
A few weeks after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”

Two Ways to Look at Things

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone
at a nearby table.

My wife asks, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes', I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God' says my wife. 'Who would think a person would go on
celebrating that long.'

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything ....

OLD LOVE

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.'

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,

'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!'

The Four Stages of Life

Yep! That about sums it up!

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

"Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours , she seems to appear out of nowhere."

found golf ball

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises,
two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed
one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!''
'I don't remember much after that ...'

Mexican Delicacy

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day of roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?” The waiter replied, “Ah Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.” The waiter replied, “I am so sorry Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Señor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

Questions for Hillary

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

'Kenneth'.

'And what is your question, Kenneth?'

'I have three questions: '

'First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as Pr esident? '

'Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? '

'Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, 'Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?' A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.

'Larry.'

'And what is your question, Larry?'

'I have five questions:'

'First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? '

'Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? '

'Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? '

'Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? '

'And Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?'

When I Die

Ralph and Mary were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.

Ralph suddenly said, "Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" Mary asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff..."

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

The Blind Bunny

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

To
make it stand,
you wet it !

To make it wet,
you
suck it !

To make it stiff,
you lick it !

To get it
in,
You push it!
Damn
!!!!!!!

Threading a needle when you are older is a
BITCH!

always hope

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

Barack Obama on gun control

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America . He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school assembly in EastTexas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, "Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence."

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud EastTexas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: "'Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"

Nymphomania

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up &saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realize she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it,
she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike
up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of
America Convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen
sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal
experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about
sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular
myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also
discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the
woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she
said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this
with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man
said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me

Bubba.

'Am I Gay?' Self Examination

Guys. Now you can know for sure thanks to psychological science.

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah Diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom, he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.

8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your e-mail list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a fudgepacker.

Newfies and Mad Cow Disease

'Newfies' are residents of Newfoundland - a unique group of residents in Canada who are always' Newfies' no matter where they live.

'Newfies on Mad Cow Disease'

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just outside Corner Brook , Newfoundland , to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease.

Lady reporter:
Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?'

The farmer stared at the reporter and said:
'Do you know that a bull mounts A cow only once a year?'

Lady reporter (obviously embarrassed):

'Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this Phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?'

The farmer:

'And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?'

The reporter:
'Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point.'

Farmer: 'I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine,
if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?'

only in Detroit

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely
to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, carried out for leading
toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they
have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to
prison .... yet.

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.


The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

Three lod ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about.

Wal-Mart Doctor

Wal-Mart has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what 's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

T hat evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

do you still get horny?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
'Who drives you to the beach?'

Sign's

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully.. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
'Thank heaven for little grills.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises'

And then the fight started

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I wouldhave to
go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

Complaints

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
complaints.'

only from Canada

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.
Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis

God Bless Canadian generosity.

BaseBall

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's out side."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the
Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's out side."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the
Dad says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"
The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again; you're in my closet now."

bravery is rewarded

One dark night outside a small town in Saskatchewan,
a fire started inside the local sausage plant and
in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments
from miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the
fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas
are in the vault in the center of the plant.

They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns
had to be called in as the situation became
desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out
that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire
department who could bring out the company's
secret files.

From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another
fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Melville rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians
over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine,
operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer
sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove
straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Melville old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the
secret formulas.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over

to personally thank each of the brave,
though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing
the event on film asking,
"What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"...da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck."

Three year old boys

A 3 year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
Mom, he asked, " Are these my brains ?"
" Not yet" she replied.

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

OH, come on ... take a guess!

Think about it ...

You're going to love this!
.
.
.
.
.


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

old man young girl

A white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more
special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds
and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,'
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend....'

was he a good boy?

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get into bed with you!"
She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."

NFLD vs USA

NFLD vs USA



President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang. "Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ye!"
"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news!
How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on!
We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have
16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN

Willie Nelson Quote

Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday :

Whether or not you are a country fan,
this is truly the work of a deep thinker,
and highly intelligent person.

So simple, yet so profound.
Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson on his 75th birthday:

" I have outlived my dick. "

COWBOY LOGIC

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Montana Wool and
Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the
United States Forest Service. Hard to argue with this logic.

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service
were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for
controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years
of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of
shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had
a 'more humane' solution. What the Sierra Club proposed
was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
castrated and let loose again, and the population would
be controlled.

All of the ranchers mulled over this 'amazing' idea for a
couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back,
and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem.
Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep -- they're eatin' 'em."

Mistaken Idenity

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally...

I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Cardiologist's Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.... A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral
....I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

New Government Seal

Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Subject: NAIR

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover. At the register, the druggist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.'

The druggist said 'If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days.'

The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either; and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'

The druggist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week. '

ANCIENT & MYSTERIOUS CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!


The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.


The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: 'This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.'


Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.


Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, 'Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left..... '
It says: ' Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

Don't send you wife to Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Bev to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Bev saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.

When Walt was finished, Bev asked "How much for that faucet?" Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Bev exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Bev, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

Bev replied, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850,158 years ago?

1 California became a state.
2 The state had no electricity.
3 The state had no money,
4 Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was like California is today except the women's breasts were real and the men didn't hold hands!

its all in the name

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
"'My name is Carmen,'' she told him.

''That's a beautiful name,'' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
''No,'' she replied. ''I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most-- cars and men.'

''What's your name?'' she asked.
He said, ''B. J. Titsengolf.

Another Blond Joke

A blond goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be dry-cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.'
The blond stops and says, 'No, it's mustard this time.'

Why Why Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are wearing out?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manag e to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

The Honeymoon

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE CONDOM !

This is how the fight started...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit! That must be my husband!'
So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he jumped out the window like a crazy man.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush, then started to run as fast as he could to his car.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman 'I AM your husband, you slut!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah??? Then why were you running....you Son of a Bitch !!!' And that ,folks............is how the fight started.

Aging

Things happen for a reason

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!


Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping.
Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.
About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the 49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

The Why's of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
-----------------------------------------------
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN
-----------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.

AH

A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the
red light violation. The 'Motorist' instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'Violator' for his signature. The guy signs
the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to
the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, 'That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
you're an Asshole!'
Two months later they're in court. The 'Violator' has such a bad
driving record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer
to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney
asks; 'Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued
my client?'
Officer responds, 'Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: 'Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an 'AH,' underlined.'
Lawyer: 'What does the AH stand for, officer?'
Officer: 'Aggressive and Hostile Sir.'
Lawyer: 'Aggressive and hostile?'
Officer: 'Yes Sir?
Lawyer: 'Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?'
Officer: 'Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!'