Going to see the urologist

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and

staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after

several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,

and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the

couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed

through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

How we go into Heaven

ears and hearing

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment,..... I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Only in Calgary

John and his wife live in Calgary. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 centimetres of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."
John's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 centimetres of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plough can get through."
John's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says
"We are expecting 12 to 14 centimetres of snow today. !
You must park......... " then the electric power goes out.

John's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says "Honey, I don't know what to do."
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice like all of us men who are married to a Blonde, John says,
Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Politics

Jack Layton and Stephen Harper somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Jack Layton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Jack was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife Olivia will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."

The second barber turned to Stephen and said, "How about you, Mr. Harper ?

Harper replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a
brothel smells like".

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital . As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied. "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

The Cruelest Form of Eye Tests for Old Geezers!

Get Well Soon

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

New Law

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota

Balloon flicking

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all
around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off."? You're going to break
something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the
shopping Center.


Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left
for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet
where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putti ng away the grocery gets the urge. A
diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's
seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She
calls her Doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation,
but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down
on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes
out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and! POP!
The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere, on him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this
is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

You're laughing aren't you...I know you are!!!

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to
find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to
telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging
out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon,
she'd come and pick me up from school".

George Burns on Sex

Kellog's

Kellogg's has brought out a brand new, very appropriate, breakfast cereal version for the 2008 election year. See below...

The Fire Fighter and the Little Girl

A fire fighter is working on the fire engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.

The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right -- but then I wouldn't have a siren."

A little Lisp

John took his blind date to a carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale and it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed." she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate Laura, asked her about her blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh Waura, it was wousy."

Cab Fare

One rainy spring night in St. Augustine, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.

'Where to?' he stammered.

'Vilano Road,' answered the woman.

'OK,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.

The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at?'

'Well ma'am', replied the driver, 'I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'

The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, 'Does THIS answer your question?'

Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?

Kathleen and the paramedic

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to
hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Mommy pushed and pushed
and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by
his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place......smack his ass again!"

The Old Dying Priest

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had Faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come
near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Ex prime-ministers Jean Chretien and Brian
Mulroney before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father." replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Prime ministers office and waited for
a response. Soon the word arrived, former prime-ministers would be delighted
to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Jean commented to
Brian, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly
help our images and might even get me re-elected
someday." Brian, agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brian's hand in
his right hand and Jean's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of
serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Brian Mulroney
spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you
choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen," said Brian.
"Amen," said Jean.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves.
I would like to do the same."

ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
going through his usual dumb blonde jokes

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the
4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your
stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination a gainst not only
blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, 'You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit..
on your knee'.

Deer for Supper

man kills a deer and takes it home for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that won't tell the kids what it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for a clue.

Well he said, it's what mommy calls me sometimes.

The little girl screams to her brother,

Don't eat it, it's an asshole !

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on
a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the
Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.
It's rare. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to
turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a
treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's
later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the
whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.

Pour it on. Make a v olcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat
step #3.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim,
pass. Why bother? It's like buyin g a sports car with
an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating. The whole point of
going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's
food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's. You can do that in
January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling
the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of
food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a
buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the
shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them
and don't budge. Have as man y as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a
beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind,
you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a
slice o f each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have
two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When
else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor
Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's
loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but
avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when
you leave the party or get up from the table, you
haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start
over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
Remember this motto to live by:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, c hocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used
up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a
ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

Montana State Trooper with a sense of humoor

A Winter Statistic

98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH SHIT" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SASKATCHEWAN AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."

Rodney Dangerfield on Sex

Amazing

This is Amazing!

Forward this message to
5 people
Within
3 minutes
And
F*CK ALL
will happen!


I tried it twice and it worked both times!!

Absolutely f*ck all happened !!!

THIS REALLY WORKS !


Pass this on.....more people need to know this!!!

costly but worth it

The ULTIMATE in Women's Body Piercing..
Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The going rate on the east coast now exceeds $10,000. Many men feel it is worth it.

Woody Allen

New Law:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded parking lots, especially during evening hours, the Minneapolis City Council has established a 'Women Only' parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he
might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big
checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer place d the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ."

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times," I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE REAR THAN YOURS!

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Texas A&M's Vet s School

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the
surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor
started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to
have two important qualities as a doctor :
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his
finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a
finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'Life's tough,
it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

Frosty

Cold Chilli

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az.



He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli.



After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"



The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."



Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.



The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl.



The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

Ole' is cool!

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park, and sees a woman In the shadows. "Twenty dollars!" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them -- it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine that damn light in her face."

On Aging

Idiot Sightings

** We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us
that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor
on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest
one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and
said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger
than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..' We
haven't used Sears repair since.

** My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a
quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know,
but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.' She sighed and
went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and
he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not
do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and
75 cents in change.

** I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore.'

**My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked
the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was
sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

** I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

** The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the
street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

** At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
the company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This
is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We
all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.


** I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no
less.


** When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I
announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already
got that side.'

STAY ALERT!...They walk among us

The Pretzel Hold

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold. If he does, you're finished"; the Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

Hot Flash

In case you've ever wondered - - - - -
What a Hot Flash Looks Like

(wait for it...)

Door Frame

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU
WERE AND DATED THE MARK ?

WELL, THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE!

LAUGHTER WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART!

Rained out

One Saturday morning, I got up early, dressed, quietly slipped quietly into the garage to put my golf clubs into the trunk, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with rain, and the wind was howling at about 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There, I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of over 30 years replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out there golfing in that shit?"

I still don't know if she was joking...

Did you ever wonder?

Did you ever wonder what ever happened to the guy in Mad Magazine?

Watch as he grows up.

Heart

Good Shot

wo old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house .

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

Larry is in room 233

Larry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

Steve Martin on Sex

Tom Clancy on sex

Bob and Larry

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at
A bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.

"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in
Your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone
Threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the
Dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even
Drunker.

Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to
Give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've
Puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words,
Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin.
Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one
Too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said
Hes was verrr y sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the
Cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But
This is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants,
Too."

Cocktails

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself :
Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.'
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread .'

THE DEAD GOLDFISH......

Click to enlarge

Can you name this animal?.....

Don't know huh?


Scroll down...

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It's a 'Dill-Doe' !

You figure it out . I've got a headache.

Diary of a New Snow Shoveler

December 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for thefirst time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor



December 14th Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to - 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back into shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15th 20 inches in the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska after all..

December 16th Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel
December 17th Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. God I hate it when she's right.
More shovelling. Took all day. Stupid snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're to busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying..

December 22nd Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of white !@#% fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the washroom. By the time I got undressed, went, and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter but he says he's too busy. I think the guy is lying.

December 23rd Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24th 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow . I know he hides around the corner and waits for
me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25th Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the
@#$%%^&*(!-slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her


December 26th Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here?
It was ALL HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27th Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.



December 28th Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. SHE's driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29th 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever hear. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30th The roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her Mother. 9" predicted.

December 31st Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8th I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?????

The beginning of Christmas Season

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

A Trip To Victoria Secret

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying,
"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and
thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot
won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take
this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and
strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think
for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!"

Love in a Bar

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot over to the woman and said,' This is from the gentleman seated over there,' pointing and indicating to the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: 'For your information I have a special edition Jaguar XJS convertible,a crimson pearl Cadillac XLR, a mecerdes 420 SL,a lincoln navigator and a custom 1949 Mercury showcar in my garages, beautiful homes located in the Virgin Islands, St.
Louis, Cape Coral and New Smyrna Beach .There is over ten million dollars in my bank account. BUT, not even for a woman as beautiful as yourself, would I cut three inches off, so just send the bottle back!'

Blond Cowboy

The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots.

The sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'

So here I am."

A COP'S WORST NIGHTMARE

Anyone who has ever been in law enforcement
prays that they will never get a call like this on their watch.
WARNING ---- The photo is very graphic.
NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART................

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of

the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started .

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, fuck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.

You spend you r last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa- like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

no one rides

A Farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, 'Son, come with me.' He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, 'That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.'

The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, 'Okay, Dad.' A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a
new two-wheel bicycle.

Well, he gets the same excuse. . 'as soon as that tractor is paid for . . '

Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster right off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, Now Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!'

The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, 'Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.'

Talking Clock

A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple
of his friends late one night.


He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong
and a mallet.


"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the Newfie replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the Newfie.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the
gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

fly a kite

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, A forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??' "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration Only.

The Blond Pilot

THE BLONDE PILOT A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter.

The Instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.

The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.

Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly, skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.

The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked, "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan."

Everything will kill you

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;

The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;

The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Surgerns

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing

surgeries they had performed.



One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case,

a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them,

and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of

England.

The second surgeon said. "That's Nothing. A young man lost an arm and

both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won

gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.



The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman

was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse, head-on, into a

train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the

woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together

and now she's a senator from New York and running for President of the

United States.

Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the
5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

"He's decomposing."