A Trip To Victoria Secret

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying,
"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and
thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot
won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take
this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and
strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think
for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!"

Love in a Bar

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot over to the woman and said,' This is from the gentleman seated over there,' pointing and indicating to the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.' After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: 'For your information I have a special edition Jaguar XJS convertible,a crimson pearl Cadillac XLR, a mecerdes 420 SL,a lincoln navigator and a custom 1949 Mercury showcar in my garages, beautiful homes located in the Virgin Islands, St.
Louis, Cape Coral and New Smyrna Beach .There is over ten million dollars in my bank account. BUT, not even for a woman as beautiful as yourself, would I cut three inches off, so just send the bottle back!'

Blond Cowboy

The sheriff of a small town walked out into the street and saw a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and boots.

The sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asked me to go out to her motor home with her... and I did. We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt. so I did... Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did...

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did... Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town cowboy...'

So here I am."

A COP'S WORST NIGHTMARE

Anyone who has ever been in law enforcement
prays that they will never get a call like this on their watch.
WARNING ---- The photo is very graphic.
NOT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART................

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of

the car . . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff
seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"
So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started .

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, fuck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too healthy, you spend
several years enjoying your retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day until pretty soon
you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date, drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.

You go to elementary school, play, and have no responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone runs themselves ragged
keeping you happy.

You spend you r last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, spa- like
conditions: central heating, room service on tap.

Until finally...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

no one rides

A Farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car.

His father says, 'Son, come with me.' He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, 'That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car.'

The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, 'Okay, Dad.' A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a
new two-wheel bicycle.

Well, he gets the same excuse. . 'as soon as that tractor is paid for . . '

Shortly, a few days later, son number 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, Ol' Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster right off the hen's back, mumbling to himself the whole time.

His dad says, Now Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!'

The little boy looks his Dad right square in the eye and says, 'Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.'

Talking Clock

A Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple
of his friends late one night.


He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong
and a mallet.


"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the Newfie replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the Newfie.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the
gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

fly a kite

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.
He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?'
The father, surprised, answers, 'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, A forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.'
'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many types of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.'
'A Christmas tree??' "Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration Only.

The Blond Pilot

THE BLONDE PILOT A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter.

The Instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.

So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.

The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.

Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly, skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.

The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay.

As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage.

"What happened?" the Instructor asked, "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I turned off the ceiling fan."

Everything will kill you

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;

The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;

The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three Surgerns

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing

surgeries they had performed.



One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case,

a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them,

and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of

England.

The second surgeon said. "That's Nothing. A young man lost an arm and

both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and two years later he won

gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics.



The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman

was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse, head-on, into a

train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the

woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together

and now she's a senator from New York and running for President of the

United States.

Beethoven

A tourist in Vienna goes through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony, and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the
5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

"He's decomposing."

Proof That The World Is Nuts !

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a
woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than "going blind!")
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed
in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England- but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending
machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is that a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(No Comment necessary)

Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids...

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.



********************



MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

********************



JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

********************



SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you Dumb Ass"

********************



HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

********************



HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

********************



GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

********************



There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Last Shopping Day

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile
phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just
been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd
be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving
what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get
in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up
shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee
and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the

last shop.

She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she
dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about
her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You
went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!

I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours
enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the
Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because
it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the
rest of his life he will require round the clock > care. And you'll now be
his carer!" The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and
sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling
your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"

I LOVE YOU

Hubby gets "I love you" tattooed on his knob & goes home to show wife.

She says "There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth"

Shortest joke I've read in a long time

A teenage boy asks his granny 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?'


Granny: 'Forget the frickin pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

Three Roses

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.


Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.


"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:


"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit.


He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Recent poll

The following question was asked in a recent poll:

"Are there too many immigrants in Canada?"


21% Said 'Yes'


17% Said 'No'


62% Said عهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط

A pencil and a Catholic education

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually
she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while
she was sleeping. 'Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?'

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, 'Very good' and
continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Mary Margaret
and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back
asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary
Margaret jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that thing in me one more
time, I'll break it in half!'


The nun fainted.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms up and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Chretien's Retirement dinner :

At a dinner thrown in her husband's honour, a man turned to Madame Chrétien and said, "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chrétien. A hush fell over the table.

Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.

Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, "Appiness".

Welcome to Canada

A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to the Canada .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, Money for food, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Jamaican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !"

The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, Shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Canada !"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am Not Canadian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Canadian?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."