A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we have the Parthenon.' Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, 'We have the Coliseum.' The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.' The Italian, nodding agreement, says, 'But we built the Roman Empire'....
and so on and so on...
until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, 'We invented sex!'
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, 'That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Gay Baby
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen
babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse
comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the
other. 'All these unhappy babies .... and yet
our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of
gay love!'
The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just
watch what happens when I pull the thermometer
out of his ass.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen
babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse
comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the
other. 'All these unhappy babies .... and yet
our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of
gay love!'
The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just
watch what happens when I pull the thermometer
out of his ass.
Good Grandma & Grandpa Story.
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
He asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
Strong and Very expensive'. 'How much?' asked Grandpa.
'$10.00 a pill,' answered The son.
'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we
Leave in the Morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He
Called Grandpa
And said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.'
'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma'
When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
He asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very
Strong and Very expensive'. 'How much?' asked Grandpa.
'$10.00 a pill,' answered The son.
'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one, and before we
Leave in the Morning, I'll put the money under the pillow.'
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He
Called Grandpa
And said, 'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.'
'I know,' said Grandpa. 'The hundred is from Grandma'
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Nudist
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here, that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule, that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm out of here.'
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here, that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule, that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm out of here.'
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
A point of view ... Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on
gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan
conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their
husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands.
From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their
husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change ?'
The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is ... (no matter where you go)... BEHIND EVERY MAN,
THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan
conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their
husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands.
From Miss Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive
Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their
husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Miss Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you
now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change ?'
The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is ... (no matter where you go)... BEHIND EVERY MAN,
THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
How all business phones should be answered!
'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO CANADA
Press '1' for English.
Press '2' to disconnect until you learn to speak English
Press '1' for English.
Press '2' to disconnect until you learn to speak English
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to,
and for how long?'
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to,
and for how long?'
Monday, October 20, 2008
What a Coincidence
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'this is a special day for me so I'm celebrating.’
'This is a special day for me too; I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence,' says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man ... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, But today
they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'this is a special day for me so I'm celebrating.’
'This is a special day for me too; I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.
'What a coincidence,' says the man.
As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man ... 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, But today
they're finally laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'
One Foggy Night
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of Buckley’s - cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)
The coffin stopped!
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of Buckley’s - cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
(hopefully you're really ready for this!!!)
The coffin stopped!
Giuseppe's new shoes
Giuseppe was in this country for only 6 months. He walked to work 20 blocks every day
and passed the same shoe store.
Each day he stopped and looked in the window to admire the $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it was all he could think about.
After about 2 months he saved the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, “Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?”
Startled, Sophia replies, “Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?”
Giuseppe answers, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes....How do you like them?”
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,” Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?“
Rosa answers, “Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?” He replies, ”I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes....How do you like them?”
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red!
He says, “Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this is true!”
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, ”Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.”
Giuseppe gasps, “Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!”
and passed the same shoe store.
Each day he stopped and looked in the window to admire the $300 Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it was all he could think about.
After about 2 months he saved the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.
Giuseppe seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, “Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?”
Startled, Sophia replies, “Yes, Giuseppe, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?”
Giuseppe answers, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes....How do you like them?”
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,” Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?“
Rosa answers, “Yes, Giuseppe, I do, but how do you know that?” He replies, ”I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes....How do you like them?”
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giuseppe asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red!
He says, “Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this is true!”
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, ”Yes Giuseppe, I wear no panties tonight.”
Giuseppe gasps, “Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!”
Drinks on a plane
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked
for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips.'
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice.'
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked
for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips.'
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice.'
Friday, October 17, 2008
Garfield on the oil crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in~ ALBERTA ~BRITISH COLUMBIA~ SASKATCHEWAN MANITOBA~ NOVA SCOTIA~ NEWFOUNDLAND ~LABRADOR~~~
Our DIPSTICKS are located in ONTARIO!!!
Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought
he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop
and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know
that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks,
except... the Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to
be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding
away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much
so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said,
'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband
had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She
undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis,my crotch.' The penis
shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her
clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked
for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink
officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it
won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah
right...Magic Penis, my ass...!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop
and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know
that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks,
except... the Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to
be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding
away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much
so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said,
'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband
had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She
undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis,my crotch.' The penis
shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and
decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her
clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the
road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked
for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink
officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it
won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah
right...Magic Penis, my ass...!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Ukrainian Tomato Garden
An old Ukrainian about 80 years old lived alone in Winnipeg. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert,Saskatchewan.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Walter, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Tato A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Tato, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Walter At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Winnipeg police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Tato, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Walter
His only son, Walter, who used to help him, was in prison in Prince Albert,Saskatchewan.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Walter, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Tato A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Tato, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Walter At 4 a.m. the next morning, RCMP and local Winnipeg police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Tato, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Walter
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease? 'Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.' Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did. Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease? 'Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Turpentine.
A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine, shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'
A while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.' The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.' The little boy replied, 'You take some of this turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Bad Taste' in fashion for the 'older folks'
Many of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of the image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the 'older folks'.....
14. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
FINAL THOUGHT
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
thanks Scrapper 46 on Canadian Riders Forum
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. Inline skates and a walker
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the 'older folks'.....
14. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
FINAL THOUGHT
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
thanks Scrapper 46 on Canadian Riders Forum
Big Croc, Small Croc...
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near
the Ottawa River .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said:
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just
don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the
House of Commons.'
'Same here. Hmm... How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the
leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're
not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
asshole with a briefcase.'
the Ottawa River .
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said:
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just
don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the
House of Commons.'
'Same here. Hmm... How do you catch them?'
'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the
leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're
not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an
asshole with a briefcase.'
Monday, October 13, 2008
Stock Market Meltdown...
A quote from a stockbroker:
This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets and I still have a wife!
This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my assets and I still have a wife!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
The Duck and the Condom
Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ''Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service.'' He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
The woman says, ''OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?''
''No,'' he says, ''I'll suffocate!''
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Retired People
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn tires.
So Carol called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.. We try to have
a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went
into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior
citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having worn tires.
So Carol called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more
he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.. We try to have
a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
New Direction for any war :
Send Service Vets over 60!
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!
Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Little Johnny Strikes Again...
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentenceMolly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating'.
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated'.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him .
Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight'.
The teacher sat down and cried...
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated'.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate'.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him .
Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight'.
The teacher sat down and cried...
Stock market
Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
Realizing what a great opportunity this was... the villagers withdrew all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Of course they never saw the man nor his assistant again... only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.
The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'
Realizing what a great opportunity this was... the villagers withdrew all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Of course they never saw the man nor his assistant again... only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'
The boy replied, 'What turkey?'
The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'
The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'
The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'
The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!'
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!
Saturday, October 04, 2008
The Bunny and the Snake
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.'
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'
'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'
The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'
The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN.'
A Newfie was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of
fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the Newfie. 'I ain't got none of dem dere licenses. I
don't need one. You must understand, by, dese here is My pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Dat's de trut' bye. Every night, I take dese fish down to de Cove and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Den, when I whistles, dey jump right back
into dese here ice chests and I takes 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The Newfie looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de trut
Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The Newfie stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove. Then he stood
and looked out to sea.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?
'Well, what?', says the Newf.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the Newfie.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers on De
mainland but by the lard tundering jaysus we ain't as dumb as some
Government employees.
fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the Newfie. 'I ain't got none of dem dere licenses. I
don't need one. You must understand, by, dese here is My pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Dat's de trut' bye. Every night, I take dese fish down to de Cove and
let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Den, when I whistles, dey jump right back
into dese here ice chests and I takes 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The Newfie looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de trut
Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The Newfie stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove. Then he stood
and looked out to sea.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?
'Well, what?', says the Newf.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the Newfie.,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers on De
mainland but by the lard tundering jaysus we ain't as dumb as some
Government employees.
Sex witha Patient
Doctor John had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said, 'John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John.' But then invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard!!!'
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said, 'John, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, John.' But then invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering, 'John you're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard!!!'
Getting Okd
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
Reincarnation
My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you
come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
come back as something else.
She said she wanted to come back as a pig.
I said, 'You're not fucking listening'
Woman in Labour
Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me,
give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse
but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful',
give me drugs'.
She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'.
He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse
but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful',
Wedding Video's
I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part
where she takes her ring off and
walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.
where she takes her ring off and
walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.
Friday, October 03, 2008
How Was I Born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down
'You got Male!'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down
'You got Male!'
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Q&A
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual..'
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
AMEN
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
The Whys of Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6.. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6.. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
communication problems
An Aussie refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't see it. So, against the rules but in the spirit of kindness, he knocks on the door.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.
'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector
'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.
'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.
'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'
'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister........!'
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door. 'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.
'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector
'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. 'No mate, where's your dust bin?'.
'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man - still perplexed.
'Listen,' says the collector. 'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?'
'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin. ' I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister........!'
Rednecks are sensitive
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower in North Carolina: Cooter, Bubba and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, 'Well, damn, someone better go tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it.
'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife give it to me,' Donnie drawls.
'That's unbelievable, you told that woman her husband was dead and she gives you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Cooter's widow.' She says, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I says 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are sensitive
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it.
'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife give it to me,' Donnie drawls.
'That's unbelievable, you told that woman her husband was dead and she gives you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Cooter's widow.' She says, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I says 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are sensitive
A Visit to the Gynecologist
A beautiful blonde woman went to Norman, the gynecologist. Norman took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed, Norman began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said Norman. He then began to fondle her breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady Norman.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place.'
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Toilet Cleaning Instructions:
1. Put seat and lid of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and 'rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the seat and lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and 'rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift the seat and lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Sunday, September 28, 2008
This says it all!
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a
twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark
at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Taunting a biker ....
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and
orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a
corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks
the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway
buck naked! Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still
says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says ............ 'Grandpa, go home!
You're drunk!'
Why Us
This is the hostess for an Italian TV talk show.
This is the hostess for an American TV talk show.
Where in the hell did we go wrong?
This is the hostess for an American TV talk show.
Where in the hell did we go wrong?
Two Newfies
Two Newfies, hired a pilot to fly them to a remote area around Kaegudeck Lake to hunt moose.
Within a day they had bagged six, and managed to drag them to the plane.
The pilot explained the aircraft couldn't take more than four, and they'd have to leave two behind.
Ernie & Paddy objected, saying….. "Wadda mean? Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us take 'em all…"
Reluctantly, the pilot agreed, loaded up, and started down the run-way. Sure enough the plane didn't clear the trees, and crashed.
Surrounded by dead moose…..Paddy moaned…. "Where in hell are we?" "I tink pretty close to where we crashed last year…." replied Ernie.
Within a day they had bagged six, and managed to drag them to the plane.
The pilot explained the aircraft couldn't take more than four, and they'd have to leave two behind.
Ernie & Paddy objected, saying….. "Wadda mean? Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us take 'em all…"
Reluctantly, the pilot agreed, loaded up, and started down the run-way. Sure enough the plane didn't clear the trees, and crashed.
Surrounded by dead moose…..Paddy moaned…. "Where in hell are we?" "I tink pretty close to where we crashed last year…." replied Ernie.
Tribal Experiment
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African "bush tribe" whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his member and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the member to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string and weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little "Tribal Experiment" coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
She said excitedly "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No" he said, "It's turned black"
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his member and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the member to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string and weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little "Tribal Experiment" coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
She said excitedly "Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No" he said, "It's turned black"
THERAPY SESSION:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."
Banana Split
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
What is in a name
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
New Born
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Friday, September 26, 2008
Interesting Health Fact
Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that
connects the eyeball to the anus? ?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. ?
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse
and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
connects the eyeball to the anus? ?
It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life. ?
If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse
and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
Medical Students
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old
man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.
One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'
The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his are legs apart just as we learned in class.'
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'
The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'
One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.' The old man said:
'You thought... but you are wrong.'
Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.' The old man said: 'You thought...... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: 'Well, old timer, what do you have?' The old man said:
'I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong.
man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff legged and walking slowly.
One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'
The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his are legs apart just as we learned in class.'
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him: 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?'
The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'
One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.' The old man said:
'You thought... but you are wrong.'
Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.' The old man said: 'You thought...... but you are wrong.
So they asked him: 'Well, old timer, what do you have?' The old man said:
'I thought it was GAS........... but I was wrong.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
hearing problems
An elderly gentleman… had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doc tor said, 'Your hearing is pert. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
Stanley Cup
Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed it. D o
I have to worry about being infected by listeria?
A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple
leaf in over 40 years.
I have to worry about being infected by listeria?
A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple
leaf in over 40 years.
Cowboys
A cowboy is driving down a back road near Cotulla, Texas.
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!"
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
Happy Hour Special...
Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!"
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I am not Happy
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! I guess I must
have laughed.
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! I guess I must
have laughed.
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER?
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
Cop's and wishes
Two men were driving through Alberta when they got pulled over by an
RCMP officer . The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
'What the hell was that for?' the driver asked.
'You're in Alberta son,' the cop answered. 'When we pull you over in Alberta, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.'
'I'm sorry, officer,' the driver said, 'I'm not from around here.'
The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean, and gives the guy his license back.
The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
'What'd you do that for?' the passenger demands.
'Just making your wish come true,' replied the cop.
'Making WHAT wish come true?' the passenger asked.
'Because I know your type,' the cop says, 'two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'
RCMP officer . The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
'What the hell was that for?' the driver asked.
'You're in Alberta son,' the cop answered. 'When we pull you over in Alberta, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.'
'I'm sorry, officer,' the driver said, 'I'm not from around here.'
The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean, and gives the guy his license back.
The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
'What'd you do that for?' the passenger demands.
'Just making your wish come true,' replied the cop.
'Making WHAT wish come true?' the passenger asked.
'Because I know your type,' the cop says, 'two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'
Holes
A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances to his left and sees the guy peeing, but there are two streams !!
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the willy in North Africa. They were able to save it but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the willy, left three holes."
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see 12 streams !!!!!!!!!!!!
"War wound?"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck."
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the willy in North Africa. They were able to save it but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the willy, left three holes."
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see 12 streams !!!!!!!!!!!!
"War wound?"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck."
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
(You MUST read them aloud to really learn them)
English Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
English Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
With patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
Wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLDER FOLKS.
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
With patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
Wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,
'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
DON'T MESS WITH OLDER FOLKS.
Rednecks are sensitive
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower in North Carolina: Cooter, Bubba and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, 'Well, damn, someone better go tell his wife.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it.
'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife give it to me,' Donnie drawls.
'That's unbelievable, you told that woman her husband was dead and she gives you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Cooter's widow.' She says, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I says 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive shit, I'll do it.
'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bubba says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife give it to me,' Donnie drawls.
'That's unbelievable, you told that woman her husband was dead and she gives you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'you must be Cooter's widow.' She says, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.' Then I says 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Just Fred
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS..
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS..
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Monday, September 22, 2008
THE THREE BEARS
A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?!?' he Roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For Gosh sakes, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwashe r from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The
newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It
was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!!
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty.
'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my
porridge?!?' he Roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For Gosh sakes, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwashe r from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The
newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. 'It
was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully,
because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!!
Electile Dysfunction :
The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for PRIME MINISTER put forth by any party in the 2008 election year.
Heh Heh !!!
Heh Heh !!!
Sunday, September 21, 2008
INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ####, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________ ________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ####-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ __________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________ _____
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________ ______
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I #### myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________ _
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like #### to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________ __
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
joke borrowed from Canadian Riders Forum
Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ####, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________ ________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ####-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ __________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________ _____
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________ ______
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I #### myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________ _
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like #### to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________ __
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?
joke borrowed from Canadian Riders Forum
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Application Rejection
Your application to join an online dating agency has been rejected.
One of the questions was:
What do you like most in a woman?'
'My Dick' is not an appropriate answer!
One of the questions was:
What do you like most in a woman?'
'My Dick' is not an appropriate answer!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Dream job
A guy walks into the local welfare office. He waits in line, and finally
gets to the Clerk's window.
While waiting for his cheque, he says, 'You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job.'
The Clerk behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage.
The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, says , 'You're Bullshitin' me!'
The Clerk says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'
gets to the Clerk's window.
While waiting for his cheque, he says, 'You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job.'
The Clerk behind the counter says, 'Your timing is excellent. We just
got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage.
The starting salary is $90,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, says , 'You're Bullshitin' me!'
The Clerk says, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Pervert
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?
A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!
Fits Between Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND Works Best When Jerked?
A Seatbelt you Pervert! Buckle Up!
The Global Facts ...
The Global Facts ...
At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely f*cker is reading emails...
- You hang in there sunshine!
At Any Given Moment:
Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.
Fact: 1 lonely f*cker is reading emails...
- You hang in there sunshine!
Husbandf/Wife talk
A husband and wife were sitting watching TV when he turned
to his wife and said,'Honey, tell me something that will
make me Happy and Sad all at the same time.'
She said. 'You have the biggest pecker of all your friends.'
to his wife and said,'Honey, tell me something that will
make me Happy and Sad all at the same time.'
She said. 'You have the biggest pecker of all your friends.'
Doctors Never Laugh
. .. . The doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.
Monday, September 15, 2008
John and the Roosters
John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.
Quote for the day:
"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Riddle me this
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk-ass off the Merry-go-round. *
For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk-ass off the Merry-go-round. *
Tiny perfect joke ...
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "F... off! You won't bring it back."
The librarian says; "F... off! You won't bring it back."
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Lawyer vs. Water Fowl
Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Some old men can still think fast.
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
Friday, September 12, 2008
The Nun's Story
A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added 'I hope I'm not being rude but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls . . . .
I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
Out of breath he asked 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added 'I hope I'm not being rude but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls . . . .
I don't want to go to Iraq either.'
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
RISQUÉ RIDDLES
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah "?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
OH, don't groan.
You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah "?
A. About three inches.
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!
OH, don't groan.
You know darn well you're going to send this on to somebody
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT FOR SENIORS . . .
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex seven times a week
He said: Put me down for Fridays
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex seven times a week
He said: Put me down for Fridays
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
A Baloonist and a Fisherman
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below..
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.0 9 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Conservative!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'
The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Liberal'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault
She shouts to him, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, 'You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.0 9 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, 'You must be a Conservative!'
'I am,' replies the man. 'How did you know?'
'Well,' answers the balloonist, 'everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me.'
The man smiles and responds, 'You must be a Liberal'
'I am,' replies the balloonist. 'How did you know?'
Well,' says the man, 'You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault
Monday, September 08, 2008
Donkey Joke
A king wanted to improve the mood of his favorite donkey, who was depressed, so he put out a proclamation that he would pay anyone in the kingdom 200 gold pieces if they could make his donkey happy. Many tried, all failed.
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn't make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
Then a jester went in to see the donkey, and when he came out, the donkey was indeed happy - so happy in fact, that he was laughing heartily. The jester got the gold, but a few days passed and the king couldn't make the donkey stop laughing. So he put out another proclamation saying he would pay 500 gold pieces to anyone who could make the donkey stop.
The jester returned, went in to see the donkey for a few seconds, and when he came out, the donkey was crying. The king asked the jester how he did it. The jester said, "I will tell you for another 200 gold pieces."
When the jester had received his gold, he revealed, "On my first visit, I told the donkey that my dick was bigger than his. This time I showed him."
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Hate your Job? read this
When you have a
'I Hate My Job' day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes]
try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand..
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE ISALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN
YOURS!
'I Hate My Job' day,
[even if retired you have those sometimes]
try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you get this brand..
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. '
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE ISALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN
YOURS!
Tiger
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.' The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.' The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.' 'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?' 'Tiger Woods.' 'Tiger Woods the golfer?' 'Yeah.' 'Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.' The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.' 'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?' 'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.' The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.' 'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?' 'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.' The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'
'What are you doing?' asks his wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.' 'Tiger wouldn't do that!' she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?' 'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.' The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
'What are you doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food.' 'Tiger wouldn't do that,' again she claims.
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?' 'He'd come back to bed and do it a third time.' The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!'
listen very, very closely
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Saturday, September 06, 2008
intergalactic travels
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'
Thursday, September 04, 2008
THERAPY SESSION:
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce, and said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."
age defined
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Ours is prettier
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, 'Who the hell was that?'
'Oh,' replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.'
'Well, that's the last straw,' says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce!'
'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife.
'That's his mistress,' says her husband.
'Ours is prettier,' she replies
'Oh,' replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.'
'Well, that's the last straw,' says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce!'
'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.' Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
'Who's that woman with Jim?' asks the wife.
'That's his mistress,' says her husband.
'Ours is prettier,' she replies
Doctors Never Laugh
. .. . The doctor replied, 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a doctor. In over 20 years I have never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.
'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing uncontrollably.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
'I am SO sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour, as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem ?'
'It's swollen,' Bob replied.
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you Think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit!
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit!
Lost Grandpa
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING :
Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall !
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
'I've lost my grandpa!'
The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.'
Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall !
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
'I've lost my grandpa!'
The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.'
Monday, September 01, 2008
The Ole Folks Home ...
An Indian family was considering putting their
Mooshum (grandfather) in a nursing home.
All the First Nation facilities were completely
full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they
came to visit Mooshum.
"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous
and respectful." says Mooshum.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this
was the wrong place for you. You know, since you
are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully
they treat the residents." Mooshum says with a big
smile.
"There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He
hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
still calls him 'Maestro'."
"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He
hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone
still calls him 'Your Honor'."
"There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't
fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls
him 'Doctor'."
"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
still call me 'The Fucking Indian'."
Mooshum (grandfather) in a nursing home.
All the First Nation facilities were completely
full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they
came to visit Mooshum.
"How do you like it here?" asks the Grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous
and respectful." says Mooshum.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this
was the wrong place for you. You know, since you
are a little different from everyone."
"Oh, No. Let me tell you about how wonderfully
they treat the residents." Mooshum says with a big
smile.
"There's a musician here, he's 85 years old. He
hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone
still calls him 'Maestro'."
"There is a judge in here, he's 95 years old. He
hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone
still calls him 'Your Honor'."
"There's a dentist here, 90 years old. He hasn't
fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls
him 'Doctor'."
"And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they
still call me 'The Fucking Indian'."
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