Weenie Test
Many years ago, three third graders from Tennessee , an
Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid are on the playground at
recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see
who has the largest weenie.' They all agree.
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out
and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be out done, the Black kid whips his out. It is by
far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother
asks him what he did at school today.
'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and
read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and
I played a new game called 'Let's see
who has the largest weenie.'
'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.
'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies
and I had the biggest! The other kids say maybe it's because I'm
Black. Is that true?'
'No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen and still in the
third grade.'
And that's how the rumor got started
Monday, March 16, 2009
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father'
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father'
Canadian Logic
One thing about Canadians is that their hearts and humor are always in the right place!
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilman from London Ontario, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Canadian's life, then I have just three things to say:'
'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'
T. B. Bechtel, a City Councilman from London Ontario, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Canadian's life, then I have just three things to say:'
'Red is positive,
Black is negative, and
Make sure his nuts are wet.'
Bidding for a government job
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; One from Massachusetts, one from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky . They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Massachusetts contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Massachusetts contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'
'Done,' replies the government official ~ And that my friends, is how it all works!!!
The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'
The Massachusetts contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Massachusetts contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'
'Done,' replies the government official ~ And that my friends, is how it all works!!!
Married for ever
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was
98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down......'
Bloody women they think of everything!!!!
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!' Neighbours feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighbourhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was
98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?'
The wife put down her drink and said, 'Let him dig.
I had him buried upside down......'
Bloody women they think of everything!!!!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble."Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if it weren't for the damn ice cream truck.
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whisky, a young lady sat down next to him.She turned to the cowboy and asked him,'Are you a real cowboy?'He replied,'Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am.'He then asked her what she was. She replied,'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.'A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,'Are you a real cowboy?'He replied,'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Desert Trip
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
See yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,
Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might
See yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he
Fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful .. Stick it in the camel and let's get
The hell out of here!'
Old Fart Football
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The Cowboy
A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The cowboy approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal?'
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
Can you imagine this guy going 90 mph
on his way to Dallas with these balloons
trailing a few yards behind him?
Instructions for a fun time on the
interstate..............
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!
I don't care who you are....that's funny.
on his way to Dallas with these balloons
trailing a few yards behind him?
Instructions for a fun time on the
interstate..............
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!
I don't care who you are....that's funny.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Darned clever, us Canadians!
Perhaps America and Europe should consider changing their currencies too.
Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting.
Us Canadians have decided to redesign our currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it! It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism :
Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they see a naked woman.
Us Canadians always find the solution!
Must be the pure water up here!
Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting.
Us Canadians have decided to redesign our currency to prevent the radical Muslims from even touching it! It is also hoped that this will have a positive effect on tourism :
Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they see a naked woman.
Us Canadians always find the solution!
Must be the pure water up here!
Monday, March 09, 2009
NO Speak English
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
Thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
I worry about you
Sometimes!
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)
What were you
Thinking?
Her husband speaks English!
I worry about you
Sometimes!
Loto
A GUY COMES HOME FROM WORK
AND SAYS TO HIS WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"
Wife replies:
"Id take half then leave you."
Guy says:
"Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a fiver-...now fuck off!
AND SAYS TO HIS WIFE:
"Darling, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?"
Wife replies:
"Id take half then leave you."
Guy says:
"Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten dollars. Here's a fiver-...now fuck off!
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the
woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again. As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?
'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. 'Pepper'.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the
woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again. As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?
'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded. 'Pepper'.
Chuck and the Farmer
Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... The horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... The horse died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work
Newfie drinking buddies
Ralph and Charlie were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander , NFLD.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Charlie.
Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Ralph says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Charlie says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Ralph says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We Ought to do this more often."
Charlie says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing...Have you farted yet?"
No..
Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay "
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Ralph said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Charlie says "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Ralph wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings... It's Charlie.
Charlie says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Ralph says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Charlie says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Ralph says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We Ought to do this more often."
Charlie says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing...Have you farted yet?"
No..
Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay "
Friday, March 06, 2009
In a nursing home, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting
as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you
doing?"
Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the
nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car
and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some
rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The
nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room,
and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise
she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"
To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"
as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you
doing?"
Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the
nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car
and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some
rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The
nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room,
and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise
she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"
To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"
Thursday, March 05, 2009
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one,
and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a
teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, knowing he would have a good one,
and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."
A Bear walks into a bar...
A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana . He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings .'
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '
The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'
......... You're gonna love this........
The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'
The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings .'
The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'
The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '
The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'
The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'
......... You're gonna love this........
The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'
Economic Stimulus Payment
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set or a new computer, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set or a new computer, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up
The Bra
Dr.Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
Wives just don't understand..............
Sometimes, I just do not understand my wife.
My neighbor was out training her dog!
And...guess what?!
I got yelled at for staring
My neighbor was out training her dog!
And...guess what?!
I got yelled at for staring
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he
would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
'Doc, I think I'm getting senile..
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' '
That's not senility,' replied the doctor.
'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
'Doc, I think I'm getting senile..
Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' '
That's not senility,' replied the doctor.
'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options.
One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, 'If any of you indulge in Your vices one more time, you will surely die.' The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, 'You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.'
One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, 'If any of you indulge in Your vices one more time, you will surely die.' The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The Alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself.
His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The Homosexual looked at the Chain-Smoker and said, 'You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.'
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Survivor -Texas Style
You may have to be a Southerner to truly relate to this one!!!!
A major network is planning a new "survivor" show. In response, the
State of Texas is planning: "Survivor, Texas Style"
The contestants will start in El Paso , travel I-20 through Pecos ,
Odessa , Midland , Big Spring , Abilene , Ft.Worth & Dallas. They will
Then proceed down to Waco , Austin , on to San Antonio , up I-10 to
Kerrville , Sonora ,up to San Angelo up to Lamesa, Lubbock, to Amarillo
Over to Herford and back to El Paso .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads:
"I'm gay, I voted for Barak Obama and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to El Paso wins.
A major network is planning a new "survivor" show. In response, the
State of Texas is planning: "Survivor, Texas Style"
The contestants will start in El Paso , travel I-20 through Pecos ,
Odessa , Midland , Big Spring , Abilene , Ft.Worth & Dallas. They will
Then proceed down to Waco , Austin , on to San Antonio , up I-10 to
Kerrville , Sonora ,up to San Angelo up to Lamesa, Lubbock, to Amarillo
Over to Herford and back to El Paso .
Each will be driving a pink Volvo, with a bumper sticker that reads:
"I'm gay, I voted for Barak Obama and I'm here to confiscate your guns."
The first one to make it back to El Paso wins.
Who Am I
One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.
' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun.
I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.
' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.' The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun.
I'm sorry I missed that.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....
Convict on the loose
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."
To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)
and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed
he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict,
look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman
in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."
To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."
HOW TO GET PERMISSION TO PLAY GOLF
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'
First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'
Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'
Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word.
So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'
Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the arse and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?' She said: 'Wear sun-block.'
Poker Players
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Alan accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Alan upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Alan went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Alan admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Alan confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Alan didn't, Alan should be at her house around 2 p.m Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Alan showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Alan quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Alan come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
Later, Alan went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Alan admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Alan confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Alan didn't, Alan should be at her house around 2 p.m Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Alan showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Alan quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Alan come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
Have you ever heard the concept explained any better than this?
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Friday, February 27, 2009
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my vagina!” The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.” The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s vagina. The doctor said “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan. I’m gonna drown the bastard!”
Top 27 Things Biker Chicks Say....(That make Bikers love them!!)
1.) I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2.) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer?
3.) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4.) Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and …..Have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.
5.) God..If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6.) I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again.
7.} You’re so sexy when you're hung-over.
8.) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping.
9.) Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10.) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?)
11.) Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12.) I'll be out in the garage changing the oil on the bike for you.
13.) I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday.
14.) Honey..Our new neighbor is sunbathing nude again, come see!
15.) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house & just wear only my chaps.
16.) No, No, don't take the car to have the oil changed, I'll do it.
17.) Your mother did a great job raising you.
18.) Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.
19.) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go riding with the guys; it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21.) Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies.
23.) You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24.) That was a great ••••! Do another one!
25.) I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...!!!!!!
26.) Babe since I am just sitting over here while you drive I might as will go down on you.
27.) OOo babe you missed, but thats ok I like it there too!
2.) Are you sure you've had enough to drink? Can I get you another beer?
3.) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4.) Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and …..Have my friend Tammy over for a threesome.
5.) God..If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6.) I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again.
7.} You’re so sexy when you're hung-over.
8.) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go Shopping.
9.) Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10.) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?)
11.) Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12.) I'll be out in the garage changing the oil on the bike for you.
13.) I love it when you go riding on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to ride on Saturday.
14.) Honey..Our new neighbor is sunbathing nude again, come see!
15.) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house & just wear only my chaps.
16.) No, No, don't take the car to have the oil changed, I'll do it.
17.) Your mother did a great job raising you.
18.) Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new stuff for your Harley.
19.) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go riding with the guys; it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21.) Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22.) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and ride cross country with your biker buddies.
23.) You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24.) That was a great ••••! Do another one!
25.) I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...!!!!!!
26.) Babe since I am just sitting over here while you drive I might as will go down on you.
27.) OOo babe you missed, but thats ok I like it there too!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
$7 SEX
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrongwith the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he
says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watchagain. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrongwith the way you have intercourse.'
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he
says good bye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watchagain. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.
Biggest turn on for guys!
Men all over the country are
urging their wives and
sweethearts to get this 'chic'
procedure. The going rate on
the east coast now exceeds
$10,000. Many men feel it is
worth it.
Math at it's best
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
and I'm sure we all know people who give more than 100%....lol
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
and I'm sure we all know people who give more than 100%....lol
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Last Nickel
A father walks
into a restaurant with his young son He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.
Suddenly, the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs
up 2 of the nickels, but keeps
choking.
Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for
help.
A well
dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant.
Reaching the
boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.
Releasing the
boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without
saying a word.
As soon as he
is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney..'
into a restaurant with his young son He gives the young
boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him
occupied.
Suddenly, the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back.
The boy coughs
up 2 of the nickels, but keeps
choking.
Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for
help.
A well
dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly
folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up
from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant.
Reaching the
boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last
nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free
hand.
Releasing the
boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without
saying a word.
As soon as he
is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney..'
WHORES & HOCKEY PLAYERS.
A man in the Safeway Store tries to buy half a head
of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell
only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room,the boy said to his manager, "Some ass hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on
his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"........!!!!
of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell
only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room,the boy said to his manager, "Some ass hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on
his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here.
Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"........!!!!
Fireman
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.
A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'
A woman asks, 'What are you?'
He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.
'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she 's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friendship
Friendship Among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.
Friendship Among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Economic Stimulus for Dummies
Economic Stimulus Payment
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set or a new computer, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is a
very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
set or a new computer, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Coma
A woman was in a coma. She had been for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.**
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.**
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
Friday, February 20, 2009
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day discussing
who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says:
Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies:
'Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says,
'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says: 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies,
'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says:
Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies:
'Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'
The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement, says,
'Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says: 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'
The Scotsman replies,
'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women.'
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Tyron & Robert
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morni ng, "Man, why you
always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him
every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I
made up. She loves it!.
It goes like this:
Blond hair, blond hair,
eyes so blue.
I love waking up
and making love to you!"
Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental. " But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.
He spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The
next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened! To you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.."
Well, what poem did you tell her?
Tyrone said:
"Nappy head, nappy head,
eyes like a frog.
If I could roll your fat ass over,
I'd hump you like a dog!"
always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him
every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I
made up. She loves it!.
It goes like this:
Blond hair, blond hair,
eyes so blue.
I love waking up
and making love to you!"
Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental. " But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try.
He spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The
next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened! To you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem.."
Well, what poem did you tell her?
Tyrone said:
"Nappy head, nappy head,
eyes like a frog.
If I could roll your fat ass over,
I'd hump you like a dog!"
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and a Newfoundlander were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Newfoundlander fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him.' 'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind Fire Fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Newfoundlander said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
The Newfoundlander fumed, 'What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!' The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money' The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him.' 'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?' George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind Fire Fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.' The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'
The Newfoundlander said, 'Why can't they play at night?'
Ralph and the Chicken
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
'You died in your sleep, Ralph..'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only
one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send
him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was
covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen,
huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have
this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna
explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg
before? '
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the
rooster . 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out
popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced
motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was
overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on
the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'
sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
'You died in your sleep, Ralph..'
Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only
one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send
him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was
covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen,
huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have
this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna
explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg
before? '
'Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the
rooster . 'It's no big deal.'
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out
popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced
motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was
overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on
the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!'
Defective Parrot
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill:
The Cadbury's Candy Co. And Merck Drug Co. Have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains.
They're going to be called....
'Pre-dick-a-mints!'
The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains.
They're going to be called....
'Pre-dick-a-mints!'
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
'What's that?' he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'
Horrified, she said, ' Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs. 'Here,' she said, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Just checking for bees'.
'What's that?' he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, 'Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.'
Horrified, she said, ' Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs. 'Here,' she said, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, 'What the hell did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Just checking for bees'.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, 'Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!'
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket, pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, 'No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the f**king book.'
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket, pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, 'No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the f**king book.'
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down … and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device… a vibrator … soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy… if you explain the kids."
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down … and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device… a vibrator … soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy… if you explain the kids."
Sunday, February 15, 2009
TAX TIME
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address,
social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's
your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "
Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have
to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address,
social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's
your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "
Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have
to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
Saturday, February 14, 2009
The love story of Ralph and Edna...
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
Done my part!!!
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
Done my part!!!
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven.
1st woman Hi my name is Wanda
2nd woman Hi l'm Sylvia How'd you die?
1st woman l froze to death
2nd woman How horrible
1st woman lt wasn't so bad. After l quit shaking from the
cold. l began to get warm x sleepy and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman l died of a massive heart attack. l suspected
that my husband was cheating so l came home early to
catch him in the act. But found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.
1st woman So what happened?
2nd woman l was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that l started running all over the house looking.
l ran up into the attic and searched and down into the
basement. Then l went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. l kept this up until l had looked every
where and finally l became so exhausted that l just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman Too bad you didn't look in the freezer----we'd
both still be alive!!
2nd woman Hi l'm Sylvia How'd you die?
1st woman l froze to death
2nd woman How horrible
1st woman lt wasn't so bad. After l quit shaking from the
cold. l began to get warm x sleepy and finally died a
peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman l died of a massive heart attack. l suspected
that my husband was cheating so l came home early to
catch him in the act. But found him all by himself in the den
watching TV.
1st woman So what happened?
2nd woman l was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that l started running all over the house looking.
l ran up into the attic and searched and down into the
basement. Then l went through every closet and checked
under all the beds. l kept this up until l had looked every
where and finally l became so exhausted that l just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman Too bad you didn't look in the freezer----we'd
both still be alive!!
Friday, February 13, 2009
SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER....
You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house..
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my Mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.
We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house..
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.
So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my Mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab.
'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.
'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car
Lovemaking tips for Seniors
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(I sent this in large type so us seniors can read it.)
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
(I sent this in large type so us seniors can read it.)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
He Is Coming
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.
Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the
Difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she
Would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
Dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
Million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
For a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
To fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
In a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
For a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks
Would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
Dad.
His dad then asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
Million dollars ..
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
Difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she
Would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
Dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
Million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
For a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money
To fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
In a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
For a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks
Would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his
Dad.
His dad then asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between
'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three
Million dollars ..
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
'Want some of this?' she purred.
Are you kidding?' he replied. 'Look what it did to your underwear.'
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
'Want some of this?' she purred.
Are you kidding?' he replied. 'Look what it did to your underwear.'
The Genie...
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said:
"Let me see the fucking map again."
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done.
Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful.
That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said:
"Let me see the fucking map again."
A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having All these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror,
Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bath room, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror,
Stare at myself and repeat,
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bath room, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife ' .
'She's not my wife '
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
Murder at Wal-Mart
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this ... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...
(You're going to hate me for this ... )
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'
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