The Redneck

The Redneck went to the hospital
As his wife was having a baby.

Upon arriving, The Nurse says "Congratulations, Your wife has had quints,
5 big baby boys."

The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, The babies are all black."

little boy and questions

A little boy asks his dad: whats between mum’s legs?

The father answers: paradise, my son

The kid asks again: whats between your legs?

The father replies: the key to paradise

The son says: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!

Paddy and his girlfriend

Paddy rings the door bell of his new girlfriend,
and has a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers,
and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt,
rips her knickers off, and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,

'You must have a vase somewhere!'

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a
man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they
couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.
Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on
the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried
to snap it in half."

"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"

Roy replied: "Wrong room."

God Bless Saskatchewan

A Saskatchewan man is drinking in a Fort MacMurray bar
When he gets a call on his cellphone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Saskatchewan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Saskatchewan man just shrugs, "That's about average
Folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Saskatchewan baby boy."

Two weeks later the Saskatchewan man returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that

Typical Saskatchewan baby that weighed 25 pounds at
Birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. ..so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened?
He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Saskatchewan father takes a slow swig from his Pilsner beer, Wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,

Leans into the bartender and proudly says,

"Had him circumcised".

God Bless Saskatchewan!!!

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The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid ass blonde jokes! What makes
you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fucker on your
knee!"

Lawyer and Ole

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine, ?' asked the lawyer.
Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da .....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question.. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?

Ole said, 'Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road... ..
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie'.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas in terrible shape yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her.. After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition he took out his gun and shot her right 'tween da eyes. Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now vat da hell vould YOU say?'

Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content....

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a Blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his Truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the Window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you Are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl Catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and Knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and Continues down the street. At the third red light, the same Thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, Knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says, "Hi, my Name is Heather, and you are Losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to The next light When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets Out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on Her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA , and I'm driving the F*** ING SALT TRUCK.........."

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed
by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe
your wife's favorite flower?'
Ken leaned over, touched Janet's arm gently, and
whispered, 'Robin Hood All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Ken's life of celibacy.

The Itch

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Mick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Mick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Mick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Mick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Mick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Mick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Mick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Mick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Mick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Mick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Mick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Mick.


The moral of the story............


Pay your bills!!!

Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help.
I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ..... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE... UGH! Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' .... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection.'

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.

Woman?????

I spent $5000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.
I spent another $2000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.
I spent $2000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon.
I spent $40 on a blow job for myself and she goes f _ _ king mental……. Women?!?!?!

The worst day of my life

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting

and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you ass hole, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

little Johnny

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had fuck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Newfoundland border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Newfoundland boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got fuck all for breakfast'.

Decisions...Decisions

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a
witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees. Quietly arriving
home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with
another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
HE paid for your Vancouver Canuck’s season tickets.
HE paid for your BC Lions’ season tickets.
HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake ..
HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.
HE paid for our speed boat.

HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Fred and Larry

Fred and Larry got married in California .
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and
Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up
yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go
back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for Vaseline and I think.....

I gave him my airplane glue.'

Dear Friends,

Over the years, I have received nude photos, dirty jokes and have emailed them to friends who I thought shared the same sense of humor.

Unfortunately, I seemed to have upset a few people and received criticism for being sexist and shallow. For this I truly apologize.

So, from now on, I am making an effort to only email pictures of old monuments, cultural, and nature sights which are educational and interesting.

For example, on a recent trip I just happened to capture this fantastic shot of a palm tree:

A Blonde in Church

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan." This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.' No one moved.

The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.' Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the Congregation roared.

A Scotsman in a bar in Cuba

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when

a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and

orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the

whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't

you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.



A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The

man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves

him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The

bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says,

"Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the

man leaves.



The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of

whisky. He drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The

bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman

says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your

big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and

says, "Secret Service!"

Windshield Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.


Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck
was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It .. it was only
a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said... 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people: Mary or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both decent workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, "Mary, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like shit this morning."

Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: A Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander. They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:

'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!

The Newfie won hands down.

MS Error

Computer Question.....

Now here is a challenge !

For all of you who keep thinking you are computer experts...
Try this !
So, you think you're so smart.
Let's see how computer literate you are .......

WHAT WOULD CAUSE THIS TO APPEAR ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN ? 123490=qweriop[ asdhjkl (zxcvnm

GIVE UP ?

SEE THE ANSWER BELOW !

UPs Man

HONEYMOON....

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...

|




Smallcox

Why We Miss Rodney Dangerfield.........

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Hooker in Las Vegas

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his
eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,

"How much do you charge?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"


"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those..


And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once.. I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed
realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of

$500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street?

I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job

that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off

the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and

unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

MEN VS. WOMEN

Men Are Just Happier People


NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Stupid.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ..... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Why She Changed Hotels!

Last week, a woman checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Damon - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... You get the picture.
She figured, what the heck, she'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, she felt he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she said, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "Oh my God ... That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

Hello Willie

An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth!

He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes!" he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 Today. Oh the times we've had! Remember we walked on the park in the summer every Sunday Afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance Floor? Happy Birthday toes!"



"Hello, knees," he continued.
"How are you? You know you're 92 today.

Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch.
"Hello Willie! You little bugger. Just think. If you were alive today, you'd be 92!

69

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered
he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smel
pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8
times and after that gargled with 1 bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up &
the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jerry
opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you
have 69 before you came here"? "Why"? Jerry asked, "Does my breath
smell like pussy"?

"No" The dentist replied, "Your forehead smells like shit."

french fighter pilot

Pierre, a very brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marié, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre , kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and splashes it on her breasts.

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac, setting her lap on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams
furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, I am Pierre, the fighter pilot!
If I go down, I go down in flames!"

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

Head Gardener FIRED at White House

It has just been reported that the head gardener at The White House has been dismissed after 28 years of loyal service to the many US presidents.

When interviewed the gardener protested his innocence and said "All I know is I was walking past the Oval Office and I asked,

'Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?' The next thing I knew, my ass was fired."

Japanese Hotel Service

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ...
Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting,

he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically,
'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 15.00 Yen,
and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.

Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection,
which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.

'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot,
and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out
his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read,
'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'
The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony
and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit...
...which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..

old news new twist

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella
Was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband
as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable
condition, and Louella has been charged with ...
?


?


?





?



A Misdewiener!

How to Shower

(Part 1 of 2) HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wideloofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint-conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with a towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


(Part 2 of 2) HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo- woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror admiring the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stick on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower..
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

Lucky

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business
has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s
so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She
begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my
business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose
my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays… “God, please let me win the lotto!
I’ve lost my business,
my house and I’m going to lose my
car as well.” The Lotto night comes and she still has no
luck.
Once again, she prays… “My God, why have You forsaken me?
I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children
are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I have
always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get
my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens
open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself…
”Sweetheart, work with Me on this… Buy a ticket.”

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Baby Airplanes:

A mother and her very young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Ottawa to Calgary. The little boy (who had been looking out his window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the ailse and asked the flight attendant the same question.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said,
"Did your mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Have your mom explain that to you."

follow directions

A man is showering up in a locker room
With his buddy when he notices his friend
Is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob , you're hung!' Jim exclaims..
'I wasn't always this impressive; I had to
Work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years
I've spent an hour each night rubbing it
With butter. I know it sounds crazy but
It actually made it grow 4 inches! You
Should try it.


'Jim agrees and the two depart'

A few months later the two are back in the
Same locker room and Bob asks Jim
How his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob ,
But I've actually gotten smaller! I lost
Two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An
Hour each day with butter?'

'Well, we don't use butter, so I've
Been using Crisco.'
Wait for it ..........
You know it's coming...
Crisco!!' Bob exclaimed. '
Damm it, Jim,
Crisco is shortening!

The Electric fence and the lawnmore

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together
it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

The Mistress....

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

Teacher with no sense of humor

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

another rabbit

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir


Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven


Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.


Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!


Teacher: Where the fuck do you get seven from?
Johnny: Because I've already got a FUCKING rabbit at home.

UCLA STUDY (very interesting)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Scotsman and baseball

A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone is on their feet screaming, "Run"

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN RUN". The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins
screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk."


The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard,
RRUNN!"

The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"

SEX AFTER DEATH...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come

back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his
word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ...
Marion "
"Is that you, Jack ?"
"Yes, I ' ve come
back like we agreed."

"That ' s
wonderful! What ' s it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have

breakfast and then it ' s off to the golf course. I have
sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then
have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch
(you ' d be proud - lots of greens). Another romp
around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it ' s
back to golf course again. Then it ' s more sex until
late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Jack are you in Heaven?"

"No..........I'm a rabbit in Arizona

The Badge

An RCMP officer stops at a ranch up in Iron Mountain, B.C. And
Talks with the old ranch owner.
He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown
Drugs.'
The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
The RCMP officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the
Authority of the Federal Government with me.
'Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his
Badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on
Any Land.
No questions asked, or explanations given. Have I made myself Clear?
Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the RCMP officer Running For his life and close behind is the rancher's bull.
With every step the Bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws
Down his Tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!
Show him your fucking badge!'

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

baby skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at
the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death, can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'O. K., Get in the car with it.'

'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

'But what about the smell?' she asked

He replied, 'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.

It All Makes Sense Now: It’s always the parents fault!

On his death bed,
Earl Woods gave his son Tiger the following advice:

"Focus on golf. Fuck everything else."

SEXUAL ADVICE A woman went to her doctor for advice..

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do" she said. ''Does it hurt you", he asked? "No. I rather like it!" ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?" "Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think Gordon Campbell came from?"

'Brokeback Bar'

A Newfie walks into a bar and he realizes it's a gay bar.
But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the Newfie, "What's the name of your weewee?"
The Newfie says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."
The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"
The Newfie looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the Newfie asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty Newfie asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin'and keeps on tickin!"
A little shaken, the Newfie turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.
Even more shaken the Newfie has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the Newfie a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"
The Newfie says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN.

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.....!!!!

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up......!!!!"

Do you see Homer Simpson in this picture?

The Priest in a small Irish Village had a Rooster and ten Hens
He kept in the hen house behind the Church.

One Sunday morning, before mass, he
went to feed the birds and discovered
that the Cock was missing.

He knew about Cock Fights in
the Village, so he questioned
his Parishioners in Church.

During mass, he asked the Congregation,
'Has Anybody Got A Cock? '



All the men stood up.



'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has Anybody Seen A Cock? '

All the Women stood up.
'No, no, ' he said, ' that wasn't what I meant.
Has Anybody Seen A Cock That
Doesn't Belong To Them? '

Half the Women stood up.

'No, no, ' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.
Has Anybody Seen MY Cock? '
Sixteen Altar Boys, Two Priests
And A Goat Stood Up.

The Priest Fainted.



.

Old enough too......

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch
together, when gramps pull a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: "Can I have a beer Grandpa?"
Grandpa replies: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
The little boy answered: "No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker."
Gramps says: "Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer!"

A little later, Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: "Can I
have a cigar Grandpa?"
Once again, Grandpa asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Once again, the little boy replies: "No, it's too little.
Grandpa says, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar!"

A little later, the little boy comes out of the house with milk and cookies.
Grandpa asks: "Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?"
The boy asks: "Can your pecker touch your ass?"
Laughing, Gramps replies: "HELL Yes, my pecker can touch my ass!"
The little boy replies: "Then go fuck yourself! Grandma made these for me!"

When U Black, U Black

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .
NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?

Soft Ball

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'

The Tattooed Golf Player!

The Tattooed Golf Player!

This man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as golf player, Tiger Woods.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.
They start to kiss, and he takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on Tour,
people will see my tattoo, and NIKE pays me heaps."
Then he takes off his trousers, and on his
leg, he has a tattoo that says BUICK.
"What's that ?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the NIKE tattoo, I get paid
when this tattoo is seen on Tour."


Then he drops his underwear and on his
penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.
The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"
He replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"



"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!

SENIOR DRESS CODE

Many of us 'Old Folks' ( WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3.. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins

3 Holy Men

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern

Michigan University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.A real

challenge would be to preach to a bear.One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body

and limbs, goes first.

"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him

from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.

So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as

gentle as a lamb.

The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in

casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't

sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY

WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to

wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as

gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising to Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was

in a body cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

Suicide

Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he says.

"Im trying to commit a suicide," she says.

"Well, before you jump give me a blow job." So, she does.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing a suicide?".

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Job Applicant

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

"Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 14 or so. I
went in to buy a
packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She
handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear
one. I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped
it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was
on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all
around
the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just
a minute,' she
said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned
her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and
laid it aside.
Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod
my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I
was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her
panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she
said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that
unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I
was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put
that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.


She then beat the shit out of me.......

Chinese Fart

A young Chinese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Chinese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart. She looked up and said:

'Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.'

Homeless

I'd just come out of a Super Market with a roasted chicken, french fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'

I told him 'I wish I had your fucking will power'

My kind of girl...

A teacher asks a redneck girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome."

Kinda brings a tear to ya eye!!!

Post Office

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
him, "have you been in the service?"Yes" he says. "I was in Afghanistan
for two years"The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points
toward employment". The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any
way"?The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew
my testicles off".The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you
right now. The hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM You can start
tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.The guy is puzzled and says, "If the
hours are from 8:00 A M to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in
at 10:00 A M""This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the
first two hours we sit around scratching our balls. No point in you
coming in for that."

Penis Enhancement

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 14 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 14 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower,
His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,

"How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 7 inches"

"No, it's turned black.."

Sometime's it's tough being a Super Hero!

BUT SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT!

The dangers of senior bus trips

A senior citizens' group charters an overnight gambling casino bus trip from Tampa, Florida to Branson, MO.

As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I try to grab it, it jumps & runs away!'

Two first graders

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play.
It was to be a Shakespearean play.


The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden.... I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."


The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark!, a pistol shot."


Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups.



The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.


The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.

They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.


The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words.....


"My fair maiden.... I have come to kiss your snatch! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out....."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, this is bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy

play anyway..."

The audience left howling

One Phone Call

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace
Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone
call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head.

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a "Black & Decker"

Old Man and teen

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,"What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son

I have a Welfare Question

Question

When you apply for Welfare in Pakistan, China, Mexico or Arab countries, what does that Government give you?

Answer - A map of Canada!

building permit

I just applied for a building permit for my new house.

I told them it was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place with a big sound system on the outside.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with titty pink trim.

The City council told me to F off.

So I resubmitted the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Work starts on Monday...

Tarzan and Jane

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to
Him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how
He had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will
Show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground..

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable
Manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
"What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel"