Make up your mind

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she demanded.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?"

NORWEGIAN WEDDING

 

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun!
No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ...
still in DA CRATE!"

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE

 One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass, Millie, 
Nelda, Elma, Lacey, Tippy and Rosie.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip,

I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to 
the Nursing Home Administrator.
'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'
'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'

COWBOY TOMBSTONE

 Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah
 I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
His five rules for a happy life are at the bottom.

 FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

 1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
 cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
 2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
 laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
 and doesn't lie to you.

 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
 and likes to be with you.

 5. It's very, very important that these four women
 do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
 

Joke of the year !!

Two women were sitting quietly together,   

 minding their own business.

Finally a cure for Plumber's Butt...

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood was walking down a path in the forest, when she comes across the big bad wolf crouched behind a log. "oh Mr. Wolf what big eyes you have" she said. The big bad wolf jumped up and ran away. She shrugged and continued on her way. A little while later she came across him again this time crouched behind some bushes "oh Mr. wolf what big ears you have" he jumped up and ran away again. "What the hell!" said little red. she continued on her way. About a mile further in she again came across the wolf crouching behind a boulder. "Oh Mr. Wolf what big teeth you have" she exclaimed. The wolf jumped up and yelled "Damn it lady I'm trying to shit!"

Just Fred

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Chihuahua Plays with English Mastiff

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

...The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'

Slips of the tongue

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres  ever aired on TV and radio 

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing  Commentator – 
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode  her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator  – 
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson  comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting  commentator – 
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw  her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4.  Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977  – 
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the  Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford  crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator – 
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is  playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes  out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my god !! What have  I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food  in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 
'You'd  eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news  anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and  didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 
'So Bob,  where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' 
Not  only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too,  because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder  covering the US Masters: 
'Ballesteros felt much better  today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking  about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 
'There's  nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like  this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker  shots on Sky Sports: 
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve  Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael  Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male  astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage  remarked: 
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing  each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.  Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie  Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:  'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he  prefers to do it by himself.'

multable jokes

1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I  converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!


2. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did
... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


3. Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
"pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm
50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.



4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better
stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."



5. Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it
for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It
provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato
Crisps, the lot.."


6. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can't afford batteries.



7. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says,
"How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is
piling up!"



8. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would
like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been
listening."



9. My wife has been missing for a week now. The police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes
back.



10.  I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good
product
name.



11. There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center,
but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the
bomber jackets.



12. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute
towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden
hose only reaches to the driveway.

Joke with a moral...

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with   queenly large breasts.  

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.    
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. 

  One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.  Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
  Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
  The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
  The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.  Horatio then slipped Nick the  antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.  

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.
  Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.  With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. 
  The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.  The King immediately summoned Nick . . .  

 

The moral of the story - Pay your  bills.    

Fridge Not Working

The other day, my wife left a note on the fridge “It’s not working, I can’t take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Dad’s."

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. 

Not sure what she was talking about.

A Groaner

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but
As yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked. 

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink 
Containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked 
Magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into " Olympics".

KIND-HEARTED REDNECK

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the kind-hearted Redneck I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again.

funny about Harley Davidsons

Newfoundland Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life,

an old fella decided it was time to visit St. John's.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.

'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder!'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the

way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it

in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would

go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found

the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So dat's de ugly bitch he's

runnin' around wit'.

Bottle of Merlot......... PRICELESS !

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there..'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants......
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in  Aspen and  Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in  Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches.  Just send the wine back.'

75-year-old man

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that". "Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private".

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it" he replied.

Stay

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled Down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"

Guess The Word?

$7.00 Sex

An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

Did I read that sign right?

In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER......... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Cowboy Solution

I have lived, loved, lost and loved again. Life is not easy,..... But it is what it is. - Cowboy rules for: Arizona, Texas, Oklahoma,Colorado, New Mexico, Wyoming,Montana, Utah, Nebraska, Idaho, Nevada, Oregon and the rest of the Wild West are as follows: - 1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age. 11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! 13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish. 16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1! If you like it share it!!! And there is more............. The COWBOY Solution to save Gasoline. OBAMA wants us to cut the amount of gasoline we use..... The best way to stop using so much gasoline is to deport 15 million illegal immigrants! That would be 15 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down..... Bring our troops home from Afghanistan to guard the borders..... When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the Border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Afghanistan .... Tell him if he wants to come to AMERICA then he must serve a tour in OUR military.... Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it...... After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country..... He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal resident..... This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Afghanistan and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. ....... If they refuse to serve, ship them to Afghanistan anyway,without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved......

FINALLY! OVERALLS THAT FIT!

FINALLY! OVERALLS THAT FIT! Just ask for the 'Southern Cut ' at WalMart

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...You know you're a redneck when...... 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture. 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list. 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower. 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 15 You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. 17. You have a rag for a gas cap. 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean? 20. You can spit wi thout opening your mouth. 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23 You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side. 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart. 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements. (My favorite!) 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty. 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Great photos from Mars

Beautiful and incredible images from the latest batch of photographs sent back from the Mars Lander. - -

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INVITATION

We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. ' ' ' If you can’t come let me know

WHY THE CHINESE KICK OUR ASS IN MATHEMATICS!

STUDY THIS FIRST PHOTO VERY CAREFULLY. THEN LOOK AT THE SECOND ONE. IT MAY TAKE AWHILE, BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL NOTICE A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN PHOTOGRAPHS THAT ACCOUNTS FOR THE DISCREPANCIES IN ABILITIES....

Class Photo: Shanghai Universit --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Class Photo: University of Colorado

ANY QUESTIONS?

Mixed Emotions

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions." The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

So a Bus Full of Nuns is Driving Through The Mountains. . .

So a Bus Full of Nuns is Driving Through The Mountains when suddenly the driver nods off, and they careen over the edge of a cliff plummeting to their deaths. When they open their eyes, infront of them stand the majestic pearly gates, and Sainst peter sitting at a desk waiting. "Okay ladies, listen up, I need to ask each of you a question, and then you'll be allowed in." So all the nuns form a line and Peter asks the first; "Sister Mary. Have you ever touched a penis?" Shocked, the sister doesn't reply at first, but Peter assures her it's no big deal either way. "Well, there was this one time, but only for a second, and only with one hand, I swear!" "No problem sister, just dip you hand in this bucket of holy water, and you'll be allowed in." He goes to the next and ask; "Sister Beth, what about you? Have you ever touched a penis?" "Yes, but I was young and naive, I gave a boy a handjob in highschool, but only for a second!" "No problem sister, just wash your hands in this holy water, and you'll be allowed in!" At this point, there is some commotion in the back of the line, and Peter notices another nun pushing her way to the front. "Sister Agnes, there is no need to push, everyone will get in after I talk to them" To which she responds, "Well if I have to gargle it, I sure don't want to do it after Sister Candice dips her ass in it. . . "

A guy tells his psychiatrist:

It was terrible. I was away on business, and I sent my wife an e-mail saying I'd be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport. And when I got home I found her in bed with my best friend! I don't get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," reasons the psychiatrist, "maybe she didn't get the e-mail."

It's "Insult Alabama" Day!

How do we know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called a teethbrush. What's the latest invention to come out of the University of Alabama engineering program? A solar-powered flashlight. How can you tell if someone's a University of Alabama graduate? Look at the ring while they're picking their nose. Why are criminals so hard to catch in Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA. What does an Alabaman call a six-pack and a dead possum? A seven-course meal.

The Rule Maker

Do you know who makes the rules? As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules ... We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules ..... As golfers, we are ruled by the rules .. Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game . And as citizens, we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day ... But just in case you have been pondering this, all your life, as to whom actually makes the rules, please note the following

....I do hope this clears it up....

I'll be waiting for you on the porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw it was good. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again saw it was good. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good. On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

Mother's Driver's License

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. ' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. ' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out? 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'

Bobbitt Family Update

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with A Misdewiener!

Little girl stuck in fence.

Firemen and RCMP and EMS from the Swift Current Area, all joined in a team effort to rescue a young girl stuck in a steel fence. Fireman from seven sub stations attended and in all thirty five emergency personnel were in involved. It took several hours to extract her from her predicament. Fire Chief McLaughlin said, 'This was a pretty tough rescue, it took us quite a while to come up with a plan to safely extract her from the fence.' Although the girl's entrapment was never life threatening it did take careful planning and gentle handling to safely remove her. She was taken to hospital where she was examined and released. Poor thing, this picture just about broke my heart.......

Took the wife to the disco last weekend.

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large: breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips....you know....."the works". My wife said, "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down." I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating....!!! "

:: Two Welsh Girls in a Pub....

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks..... I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland ?" One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!!" So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry,.... Are you two whales from Scotland ?" That's all I remember.....

My trip to Safeway

There was a bit of confusion at Safeway this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the mamager........ I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer!

BIG Questions for men

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL (well, maybe not ALL of us!) BEEN WAITING FOR! Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR? A: It's Braille for 'suck here' Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS? A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS? A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a "Goodyear"!!!! Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN? A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them. Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING? A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.. BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS: Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT? A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. and . . . Nominated as the world's best short joke: A 3-year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"

Housework was a woman's job

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Dave had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Dave even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Dave was too tired.' God is good

voodoo mama hot sauce

What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

This is my neighbor:

She's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway. She knocked on my door ... I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and said, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?" I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!" Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?" It’s no fun being old!!!

he Mother of all Jokes..

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. 'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.' 'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully. 'He's a martyr now though,' the mother confides. 'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other. 'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.' 'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.' 'He's a martyr too,' says the mother quietly. 'Oh, gracious me .. . . , ' says the other. 'And this is my third son, my baby, my beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers. 'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.' 'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . 'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

Drunk Story

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: 'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!' The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!' The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!' At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.................... 'Grandpa,.......... Go home!

Letter of Apology from the Hospital

Dear Sir: The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancerous. It was lipstick. We apologize for the amputation. Regards, Dick Less, MD, F.R.C.s.

A woman is at her 95 year old father's funeral...

A woman is at her 95 year old father's funeral and she is sitting next to her 95 year old mother. While the eulogy is being read, the daughter leans over to her mother and says "Mom, you were there when dad died weren't you?" The mother said "Yes." The daughter asked, "Mom, how did he die?" The mother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex." The daughter said "Mom! Don't you think that 95 years old is a little old to be having sex?! Don't you think that is a little irresponsible?!" The mother said "Well no, we found that the perfect time to do it was on Sunday because from our bedroom we could hear the church bells ringing. This was his perfect rhythm. He would go in on ding and out on dong, in on ding and out on dong. And he would still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't rolled by."

Riddle of the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. Michael J. Fox has a small one. Madonna doesn't have one. The Pope has one but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Mickey Mouse has an unusual one. Liberace never used his on women. Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his. Cher claims that she took on 3. We never saw Lucy use Desi's. What is it? Answer below! (this is pretty good )

Cruel joke of the day

How does a blind parachuter know he's getting close to the ground? The leash on his guide dog goes slack.

Sneaky old broad...

A man gets out of hospital after having plastic surgery on his face. Happy with the work he goes to the nearest bar, orders a drink and asks the barman, "How old do you think I am?". The barman looks at him "42... 43?", the man then quickly replies " I'm 54! Ha!", finishes his drink and leaves. He then goes to the butchers to get something for dinner that night, orders his meat and asks "How old do you think I am?". The butcher looks him up and down and replies "I don't know, 43 or something?", pleased with the answer the man replies "I'm actually 54! Thanks for the compliment" and leaves with his meat. The man then goes to the bus-stop to get a bus home. An elderly woman is standing there too so he asks "How old do you think I am?". She looks at him and says " well when I was younger I learned a trick that with a tickle of a man's balls I could tell how old he was", the man bemused says "Really!? Uh... go on then..." so he proceeds to get his balls out, the old woman gives them a tickle and says to him "You are 54." Completely shocked the man says "You're right! that's incredible, how did you know that?" to which the old woman replies "I was behind you in the butchers".

Fire Safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks... One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

The correct way to hold on in a moving train!

No, No, the guy by the door!!!! ............ I worry about you sometimes

Advice to an old guy... an absolute heart-breaker.

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try the ATM in the lobby."

Golf balls

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?

Using the Blow Dryer

Joe's wife caught him blow drying his dick this morning , and asked him what the hell he was doing. Apparently ... "Heating up your breakfast" wasn't the right answer!

Getting too old to shop

Had a little problem at the grocery store today. Apparently when the cashier said “strip down, facing me”: she was talking about my debit card. I wish I had worn underwear!

Pervert phone call

The phone rings, and the wife answers. A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair?" Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?"

Beware of underwear dust!

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out. 'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!

Colonoscopy

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in Alabama, I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating. As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me. "I haven't got an erection," I replied. "No, but I have," replied the nurse. Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco

The Potty

A THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET 'READING' A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

Road Rage

So anyway, I'm behind this prick who can't fucking drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a fucking clue. I'm roaring, "You fucking bastard Learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you fuck off back to your own country you smelly prick. You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said, "Get out of my taxi!"

What I Want in a Man

What I want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times 6.. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn't fart in public 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6.. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 1. BREATHING 2. DOESN'T MISS THE TOILET AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS. SEND THIS TO THE WOMEN WHO WILL ENJOY READING IT, AND TO THE MEN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner

A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

sex with Martian's

The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' 'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. 'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' 'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Opp's date gone very very wrong

Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and kiss you and you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted.

test

This is a Tough One! Morality Test....Read to the end before making a judgement. This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. *** THE SITUATION: *** You are in London .. There is chaos all around you caused by a cyclone with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this disaster. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. *** THE TEST: *** Suddenly, you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris Somehow, the man looks familiar.... You suddenly realize who it is.... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed b.......d who hates all non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!! You see that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Abu or you can capture a dramatic prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men! *** NOW THE QUESTION AND PLEASE GIVE AN HONEST ANSWER *** Would you select high contrast colour film or, would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Lost Wife

A man in his 60s approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. 'Excuse me, but I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the older fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?' 'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a young woman with big tits, she appears out of nowhere.'

Sleep"n Naked

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!" Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that. Full of grins and mischief and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth. "You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low-down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'' "'Stay back,' he whispered to all us kids!" "He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop. "As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack! "Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'." ________________________________

My dad is gay

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. 'My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.' The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?' 'No,' said David, 'He plays for the Vancouver Canucks but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.'

Dildo

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out & thumps against their window. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry. That was just an insect." The young boy replied, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"